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In the latest bout of antigerrymandering hysteria, the United States Supreme Court this morning narrowly ruled (by 7 to 1, with 1 missing in action) that the Mississippi River, which forms parts of the excessively twisted borders between as many as ten (10) states of the Union, is in flagrant violation of some unspecified sentence fragment of the Constitution and must be re-channelled into a perfectly straight line running directly from north (Lake of the Woods, Minnesota) to south (New Orleans, Louisiana) by the end of the year. The Mississippi River, originally constructed by primitive Mississippian Native-American Indians during the Mississippian Period approximately 350 million years ago, served simultaneously as the rapid transit service, sewage system, and fresh water supply of the fledgling North American continent. Ever since, the ravages of periodic economic downturns and the occasional ice age have taken their toll on the river's exceedingly fragile geometry. (Full article...)
Gangrene is a curse afflicted upon the lovers of vice for their lack of faith, wherein the limbs of the cursèd are made black like the heart of Satan, upon whose maleveolent will rests the fate of all men who seek not the light but the dark. For most severe cases, one sees the maggots feast on the deadening muscle and tendon, gorge upon the fat like B'aal feasting on the iniquities of man. A trained plague doctor may extract these maggots and decant them over the posteriors of those unfortunates whose nostrils unceasingly sneeze.
A diagnosis for gangrene may in due haste be ascertained by only the most trained and battle-weathered, for whom the colors of pustules and the angles of boils are like the trodden forest paths of a village childhood, borne within and known dearly in one's heart, lov'd and from rote recited as if the Lord's Prayer. Lacking a doctor of discerning birth or knowledge, it is best to lie in wait and let Death seize you. (Full article...)