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Knockout game
- Article feature date: 4 June 2026
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04 June 2026
It was the summer of 1998. Me and my friend Bob were up on the corner of 104th street, where Kasinich Avenue meets the mighty Sassinach River. I was smoking a joint when Bob says to me, "man, we should hit someone in the head, really hard just to see what happens, you got me?"
"Bob, you know what'll fucking happen. He'll get knocked the fuck out is what will happen." You can understand why hitting someone on the head just to see what happens ain't all that smart. So I say to him, "that's fucking retarded." It seemed pretty obvious to me. (Full article...)
UnNews:Tony Dokoupil drank too much whiskey, show went on anyways
- Article feature date: 6 June 2026
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06 June 2026
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Recent anchor of the CBS Evening News, Tony Dokoupil, had a little too much whiskey during a "Whiskey Fridays" segment with Andy Barr.
Tony started off the newscast with a plug of the segment of which Tony was to interview Andy about Kentucky and other American issues relevant to America. Sources at that time said that Tony was not expecting to drink liquor of any sort and assumed that "Whiskey Fridays" was just a name and that Jack Daniels was just the sponsor.
Roughly a few seconds later, Tony and Andy were sitting from opposite ends of a table facing each other in a virtual set that looked like a bar but wasn't, Tony attempt to start the interview but got caught off guard by Andy questioning him about his whiskey consumption. (Full article...)
Gríma Wormtongue
- Article feature date: 5 June 2026
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05 June 2026
Gríma Wormtongue was a short guy with a Napoleon complex and acted as a demonic obstacle against anyone exorcising evil wizards from the bodies of kings. Namely King Théoden's body. He was handed the role of King Théoden's advisor by his father Gálmód the Moody, who felt naming his son Gríma Wormtongue was a bold, trendy choice since Greasy Snakemouth was already taken. His father passed onto him some really bad habits: drinking, smoking, aligning with evil wizards who were into demonic possession, and so forth.
Gríma would soon get into far more trouble than his dad had ever hoped for. He threw himself into the role with disturbing enthusiasm. He gave the king migraines, tried to get him hooked on Poison Ivy, and would have moved on to arsenic if he could have blackmailed the cook. He started working in secret with Saruman for whatever dark and deranged reason. Saruman sent him on a mission to get Théoden hooked on drugs, hooked on alcohol, and hooked on phonics. None of it swayed the king, though several unfortunate men of the court ended up hopelessly addicted to smoking poison ivy, guzzling mead, and singing sad songs in broken Esperanto. Despite his best efforts, he failed spectacularly when Gandalf arrived and exorcised Saruman's influence from Théoden like a dramatic spiritual cleaning service. This defeat left Gríma even more bitter than usual. And that's saying a lot. (Full article...)