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Pepperpot Pete
- Article feature date: 18 December 2024
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18 December 2024
Pepperpot Pete was an American folk hero. In his hometown region, he was well known for his hospitality and travels throughout Appalachia. Nationally, he was known for causing a massive brawl at Woodstock.
Pepperpot Pete was born on November 12, 1942, in some shack in Appalachia. His actual birth name is unknown because the family dog ate the birth certificate. Pete wasn't a very educated child, as his parents took him out of school to support the family business, which was bootlegging. Pete was also taught by his uncle to cook moonshine and by the age of 6, Pete was well known for his ability to brew that good ol' mountain dew. It was around this time, Pete's uncle also taught him how to play the banjo, in which it was discovered that young Pete was a banjo prodigy. In his mid-teens, Pete travelled across Appalachia, pickin' his banjo and carrying moonshine jugs on his bag. Pete became well known in Appalachia and surrounding areas for his hospitality and travels. A young Bill Clinton was visiting Appalachia and stumbled upon Pete's little campsite. Clinton and Pete conversed for hours and had taught Clinton a few things on the banjo. Pete even let Clinton take a jug of moonshine he had prepared earlier. Clinton never drank the moonshine, and instead had it sitting on his desk in the Oval Office when he was elected as president many years later. (Full article...)
You Are in Hell
- Article feature date: 19 December 2024
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19 December 2024
You, <insert name here> (???? – 2024) were born several years ago and now you are in Hell.
You can whine and bitch about it, but it won't do any good. Because you are in Hell.
You at least want some questions answered?
Well, get used to suffering for eternity, sinner boy. (Full article...)
King Diamond
- Article feature date: 20 December 2024
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20 December 2024
King Diamond (Latin: Epicus-Metalus) is a Grammy-nominated Danish time-traveller, lead singer of two of the best bands of all time, avid spelunker, wears his trousers too tight, stole Gene Simmons' face (not his makeup look, but his actual face), cheese connoisseur, world poker champion, actual king of Denmark, founder of black metal who never actually made any, globetrotting paranormal investigator, expert in poser extermination, practitioner of black magic, member of the Scooby Gang and jeweler. But he is a king, and he is rich enough to afford even the most valuable diamonds. He is also a master alchemist, and is able to tranform any material he wants into the blackest of metals. (Full article...)
My Brawl With Santa Claus on Christmas 1978
- Article feature date: 21 December 2024
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21 December 2024
I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I knew the fat, jolly bastard would be arriving soon, and I would be waiting for him. I've been waiting for this moment for years ever since St. Dickolas gave me coal for Christmas four years in a row, despite my good behavior. I'll shove that stocking full of coal up his ass and show him how funny it is.
I was dozing off when I heard it. The sound I could recognize anywhere. The fat bastard's heavy stomps on my rooftop. It's showtime. I sprang up off of the couch and hid behind the Christmas tree. I stay there for a little bit when I hear a loud tumble and an audible "Ah, shit.. that hurt." The fat bastard had entered the point of no return. Of course the jolly prick went straight to the kitchen, where he helped himself to the milk and cookies I laid out. I put a small amount of laxative and LSD in the cookies. I'm also pretty sure he got into the liquor cabinet because I heard him say something about a "Mr. Jack Daniels," with glass clinking around. He laid the presents under the tree, I was so close to him I could smell the liquor and cookies on him. Somehow, he didn't see me.
Then he walks over to the stalking, I peek around the tree. I see the lump of coal in his hand.
No the fuck you don't. (Full article...)