Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?:Do I need to provide this?

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Why?:Do I need to provide this?

Three guesses on where I got the idea for this. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Sunday, 10:01, Nov 22 2009

Why do I need to review this? In 24 hours. User:Why do I need to provide this?/sig1 22:36, November 24, 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	6	The humour you have I like; I just think it needs more as described above.
Concept:	8	There was a concept of an Internet form that you moved to a doctor's office. I like both concepts, but do find the doctor's one more personal, which to me works well.
Prose and formatting:	7	I put Humour comments in with Prose and Formatting so I don't keep repeating myself, but do score them separately. Overall, I like what you have, and think it's a good beginning and deals with a situation most of the readers will have dealt with in one way or another. But I do think it could use more developing, which fortunately I explain in clinical detail below. Your introduction I'd change "didn't mention this (that) over the phone" (strikeout means of course remove and the paranthesis are what I'd recommend adding). Minor, but I like it a little better. I'd make "Holy Toledo...." a separate paragraph--gives the impression of a little time passing before the person realizes how big the form is. "Sigh"--capitalise. "Are they really asking that" moves into a conversation with the receptionist without showing the change--the article goes from self talk to talking to the receptionist. I'd suggest either "Are you OR Is the doctor really asking that?" or make a new paragraph when the patient begins talking to someone else. I realize this is probably in my best interests I'd make the heading singular (interest) instead of plural (interests). "Yes, I did just go there, ma'am;"--I'd give some hint where "go there" is. Also I'd split this section into two or three paragraphs. I'm only here for a check-up! "tell me (to) lose a little weight...." It makes no sense "Why you won't tell me why I need to provide this (?)" "Well, no matter what you do...."--I'd make this the beginning of a new paragraph. Doctor Packs! I like the secretary-receptionist bit. "What has she done, (D)octor?" I like what you have, except it is essentially a one-joke article. Also you might have more "why do I need to provide this" and variations than are really needed. I had thought maybe you might tell us what the embarrassing question was, but your article can work fine without it (and maybe it's better to keep it to the reader's imagination). Also I like the idea of leaving the reader thinking "this guy must be a looney--or is he? What is he being asked anyway?" But I would recommend more humour. The receptionist being rude is good, and the patient refusing to answer, but what else happens? Maybe the patient turns in the form, is told something is missing, then fills it in, then turns the form in, is told something's missing, etc.--and then we get to the really big question. It might make more of a comic build. And what are the consequences of not answering the question? As it is, the patient could simply leave and go to another doctor. Is the information standard procedure, and then when that doesn't convince the patient it is company policy (which you mentioned), then it is required by his insurance company, and then required by the government, and then if he doesn't answer it will make him look suspicious, and then when he doesn't comply and sees the doctor, the receptionist calls the police because he's allegedly threatening her or something? And maybe the patient does see the doctor, but then at the end is taken away as a criminal or paranoid looney (this fits the conspiracy ideas of the It makes no sense section), and screams out at the end "Why do I need to provide this?"
Images:	6	I love the first pic with the scowling receptionist and the heading that would sound typical except, with the image, sounds very sarcastic--nice. I like the paperwork image and caption--it represents the patient's exaggeration. I don't think the smiling patient works--it needs someone who doesn't look happy (and caption might be better with "all the doctor says" instead of "all he says"). The Dr. Packs with the reception would be OK, but it's obviously not the same receptionist as in the first pic.
Miscellaneous:	6.75	Average of above.
Final Score:	33.75	I think, with work, this could be a very funny article with a much higher score. It sounds like the beginning draft of a comedy sketch, but needs more humour and more build with a climax at the end. Definitely let me know if you do more work on this.
Reviewer:	King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  21:50, November 25, 2009 (UTC)