Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:waylander37/What to do when gypsies steal your carrots
User:waylander37/What to do when gypsies steal your carrots[edit source]
Waylander37 12:25, September 27, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | The article is a good first draft but definitely needs work. The humour falls flat in several places, at least in my view.
Much of it is too random. Random humour isn't always bad, but if it comes totally out of nowhere and is based on nothing it is more likely to be tiresome than funny. Lines like "some people have even committed suicide" suffer from this. It doesn't work because I don't believe you. Comedy usually needs to be based on something, its build-up needs to be subtle and meticulous. Also, the idea of people killing themselves over carrots just isn't that funny, that's why it's really important to word it in a humorous way. It's like the parenthesis jokes too... they're too predictable. Don't just cram your punchlines in brackets at the end of a sentence. Instead, word things so that they mislead the reader. For example, look at this joke (a favourite of mine): "how many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a penis?" It misleads the reader because it makes him/her think it's actually asking a question, and following the usual lightbulb-joke format. So with your article, consider something like "with a lot of hard work, people can often overcome the grief of losing their carrots, although many also just kill themselves." See how that is more surprising? And by extension, more funny? Being made to laugh is basically the same as being surprised after all. Re-read your article and have a think about jokes that aren't very well thought-out (mother-in-law jokes, for example; yawn)... how can you make them funnier? And again, the same thing goes for lists. You should avoid them in general because they're predictable and cursory (as in they don't delve into the subject matter enough). And the sandwich break joke gets too repetitive (the first time is ok but it's not funny enough to say it so many times). Try to expand on the lists and write some good funny prose in their place, using the same advice I give above. With a bizarre article like this it's probably the bizarre humour that works best. I found myself laughing at the sandwich holder line, and also the bit where it says "You are very important here, because without you there is no reason to raid the gypsy nest". It's all quite zany, but not in the typical LOL Chuck Norris raped my dog! kind of way. I would recommend more stuff like this, but keep it creative; there's a fine line between good silly and bad silly. This is a fine example of good silly. Don't rely on crude, unimaginative attacks on your subject for humour either. I prefer the subtler prejudices, like the bit where it says attack during the day because their powers are weakened at night. That was funny because it wasn't too "out there" and sounds like something someone might actually believe, but at the same time it's still a bit silly. Nicely played. |
| Concept: | 7 | Well it's a bit of a weird one, but I can see its potential. Reign back the nonsense and keep it more focussed, like the article I mentioned above, and also this one, which takes a similar madcap approach but remains focussed and concise throughout. Apart from that, it's an interesting idea. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | Your prose is very messy and could do with a thorough proofreading. There are lots of spelling mistakes, in particular. If you're not particularly good at this yourself, you could always use a spellchecker or ask someone to do it for you (there are a few people here I could recommend, Socky, Chief and Lyrithya spring to mind).
At times your prose also seems downright muddled. For example, where you say: "unless it is a scout caravan". This was one of a couple of instances where I wasn't too sure what you were talking about. Try to write as clearly and as simply as possible, it's important for comedy. If no one knows what you're getting at they ain't going to laugh. |
| Images: | 3 | Sorry for the low score but 1) the Kill Bill one has nothing to do with anything really and 2) the fence one is fine but not all that funny. You need a lot more images. They add so much to an article; be it aestheticism or visual humour. Perhaps take a look at some of our featured stuff if you have little in the way of ideas. And there's always Google or this place. As with the humour and concept, keep them relevant. I would also suggest you make them larger than the ones you currently have, which are too small to see properly. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | Overall feeling. |
| Final Score: | 25 | So a decent piece of work so far, but very much still in the early stages of its development. Tone down the randomness, focus the overall idea and get some more content and images in there and I can see this being a great article some day. If you haven't already I would recommend you read our hints and tips for writing humour as well as some featured stuff as most of it makes for a good example of well-written comedy. If you have any other questions or want me to look at anything I might have missed feel free to leave me a message. I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 02:32, November 12, 2011 (UTC) | |