Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:bhind45/Malcolm in the Middle
User:bhind45/Malcolm in the Middle[edit source]
Bhind45 10:19, April 11, 2011 (UTC)
I got this! Expect a review by tomorrow.--10:25, April 11, 2011 (UTC)Are you aware that there is a 24 hour limit on booking reviews that you have now missed? In future if you're going to take longer, or cannot make the commitment, please leave a note here so we know. Thanks. --Black Flamingo 18:32, April 12, 2011 (UTC)
Humour The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
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Mmkay, I'll be honest; it's still pretty bad, though now most of the badness seems confined to the writing itself - grammar, syntax, organisation, etc, unfortunately to the point where I can't even tell what you're trying to say in places. This is, however, a marked improvement from, not that the scores on this review necessarily mean much compared to the last, since we probably have rather different scales. Anyhow, point is, you're making progress, at least.
I'll just jump straight into the bits. IntroductionMmm, quotes... quotes are bad, for all manner of reasons. Something about not looking good and being a cheap gag and whatnot, though they can make a good introductory thing, set the tone for a piece... but these don't. They aren't even that funny in general, really. First one doesn't even make sense - middle of what? Isn't he the middle child? Might make sense to mention that somwhere, but this really isn't the place, and doesn't actually do so. Second... well, it actually is kind of funny - it's a twist on the expected, and twists are good. Unfortunately, it doesn't really have much to do to the article; it's just random, at least where it is. If you could work it into the body of the thing, though, it might work - put it into the criticism or some such, add a bit about other folks' reactions to the thing, with mention of interviews or something. Okay, if it's well-known, why does it have a viewership of 12? That doesn't even make sense. General thing - if it's not believable, it's much less likely to be funny. This, it just jars. You do seem to be pointing out some good irony, though, so that's something... just make it make more sense, will you? And use believable numbers.
CharactersThis suddenly gets very un-encyclopaedic, and not in a good way. Directly addressing the reader about why they should care tends to be more irritating than funny, unfortunately. And although the repetition of 'crappy' could be good, it's really not enough. What about them? Why are they crappy? Can you not introduce more about them, where they came from, how they got in the show, the history, the impacts, the actors, in general, before going into a list? Also, why would the reader be reminding itself of that, if the reader doesn't know it yet? That doesn't even make sense. As for the list, er... mon, use examples. Describe the characters, don't just apply adjectives, and should everything really be so sexual? That's not actually that funny, contrary to popular belief. Perhaps some redeeming qualities might help as well; I don't know, though. I've never watched it. The Neil Patrick Harris bit was good, though. Opening SequenceSo it was... plagiarised. That's not terrible original. This would be a lot better if it was less repetitive, however. Saying that a girl that edited it, however, is a little odd - it's like you're trying to explain why it was so bad, but the entire presentation makes it seem like you would be explaining why it was good, and that would be the joke, that it was just because some girl did it. Except it's not. You know? Typical Episode OutlineThis would be a lot better if you actually wrote it out in text, used generic things, and told the story... in prose. Not a list. Perhaps use a bunch of things from different episodes and mash them all together (I did something similar in Protagonist; dunno how well it worked, but it's an idea)... and again, sexuality really isn't that funny. CriticismOkay, what? Firstly, you're just insulting it with various adjectives again, which isn't funny, and also, this doesn't even make any sense. After it became bad, it become bad? Now, I know this is prose stuff, but if I don't even know what you're saying, that's a problem in general. This section seems largely random, though, people say this, people say that, list of thingies... actually, the list is okay. Perhaps a bit long. But you may want to look at how Wikipedia usually formats such sections, and what they usually say... Also, you hate her? That's lovely, but that also doesn't really belong in the article. ControversyControversy struck it, did it? That doesn't really make sense, either. Why not just say that happened, and was controversial due to... etc. And, er... more namedropping? Inserting random names into things generally doesn't help matters. What has George W. Bush got to do with this, really? Anything? Or could it just as well be some other political figure? M for MasturbationThis seems rather untrue, as you do mention jerking off earlier in the article. It also seems rather random. You know, masturbation isn't inherently funny, either... CancellationUh... what? | |
Concept The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
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Well, making a seemingly normal encyclopedia article is a decent way about this, but the directions you take it are a little iffy, especially in places. For specifics, see the humour section. | |
Prose and formatting Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
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Basically, you have a whole lot of little things seriously hurting the readability of the piece... I'll just try to list them in the order I find them upon another read-through. Mind, this doesn't mean I'll have caught everything.
Organisation and formatting
Grammar
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Images The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
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Well, the images you have are okay, and for the amount of text you have, a reasonable number. They also fit the text, which is good. You may want to make them bigger, though. Can't tell what's going on in them, you know? Can't actually see how bad the yard is...
The positioning should improve if you remove the giant infobox, though, as currently the two characters are down by the episode outline on my screen... | |
Miscellaneous Anything else... or not...
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Gut feeling or some such. Whatever the kids are putting here these days. | |
Final score ~ 05:44, 17 April 2011
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So... yeah, you're making progress, but it still needs a fair bit. Make it more readable and work on what you're saying, and perhaps get a proofreader, and that will help immensely... not that you shouldn't work on the other stuff, of course. Anyhow, sorry this took so long, hopefully it will help, good luck, and if you have any questions or whatnot, don't hesitate to drop by and ask or whatnot. I promise I won't intentionally ignore you.
Also, if anything happens to be a repeat of what Oliphaunte said, it might be a good sign you may want to address that after all, or do more about whatever it is than you have so far. |