Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/Nisshin Maru
Nisshin Maru[edit source]
A rough draft I'm working with. Indepth please. Thanks!
Fuck, hate it when this happens so the link is here
Director
WILL
YOU 333 06:53, December 30, 2009 (UTC)
- I'll do this one, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 20:01, December 30, 2009 (UTC)
- Will probably run over into next year, but I will still get this done, sorry for the delay. --ChiefjusticeDS 16:18, December 31, 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3 | Right, before I get going I had better explain some things about my scoring for this one, firstly I do not take into account what an unfinished article might become in future and I review it as though it is complete, this may explain some of the lower scores in some areas. OK, I think I can see what you are trying to do with the humour, but unfortunately you are having some difficulty realising your aims. The very first thing I noticed was that your humour doesn't appear to have a clear structure, the preamble and early part of the first section aside, the article could be about anything and were I offered the chance to guess I would not say the Nisshin Maru. This should be your first focus when making changes, try to make it so that you have a plan for what to talk about. To expand on this, you should have an idea for your sections before you write them and you should have a vague idea of some jokes to put in. It is rarely advisable to simply sit down and start writing as you are more likely to end up with a poor final product, if you have a plan you can at least steer your jokes, as my English teacher used to tell me, you cannot build a house without foundations, and if you do it is unlikely to stand for long.
To focus on the material that you have written down at the moment, you need to familiarise yourself with HTBFANJS, you are utilising some very overused material here, while it would be vaguely amusing to one who has no knowledge of uncyclopedia's joke trends, to established users or those who read a lot of articles such material is more frustrating than it is amusing, my advice is that you go back and trim mentions of Grues and inebriation away, especially if they are just being used for the sake of using them, the same joke can be made more concisely and with greater impact if you try a differing style. I find that the best humour in articles about real-life figures or features are those which stick to satirising facts rather than making up their own, try to consider what someone wants to read upon coming to your article, they will want to read a humorous slant on the Japanese whaling vessel, thus a humorous on the actual history of the vessel would go down much better than a made up account. The problem with making up nonsense is that you have to be very very good at it to prevent it from getting carried away or becoming boring. Try taking a look at the Wikipedia article if you are stuck for ideas or do not know the real history of the Nisshin Maru. The problem here, I think, is that you have the ability but you are lacking the careful planning that your ability requires to work, if you can make the preparation work and if you can exercise some of your better judgement in deciding what should and what shouldn't stay, you will be well on your way with this aspect. |
| Concept: | 4 | A reasonable concept and there is certainly room on the wiki for an article about the Nisshin Maru, however, your execution is in need of more work. The first problem is that you seem unsure how you want to present the article to the reader, you seem to be stuck between making it a first person account or an encyclopaedic one, the current fusion of the two is quite jarring and I think you can do much better. Consider it this way, saying "Darth Vader strode into the death star and was instantly crushed, as walking through space is impossible, idiot". The change in tone makes you sound unprofessional and, in most contexts it doesn't add anything to a joke that would have been perfectly fine had it ended without it. My recommendation is that you carefully read through you article and try to make the tone uniform, be sure to do this after you have implemented any changes to the humour. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | OK, I'm relieved to see some improvements in your spelling, but you still need to work at your grammar, I'm not going to belabour this topic, since I have done so before, remember that you can always ask me to proofread for you if you decide that you need it. As far as prose and formatting go, I cannot judge for the number of pictures since the article is unfinished, but I can say that you should consider increasing the size of the first image, as it is slightly smaller than would be desirable. Otherwise I can't really call this one for now, just ensure you break up the text and include as many pictures as necessary, from looking at the article currently I would suggest 3 as a minimum. But, as I say, until the article is complete I cannot score you higher. |
| Images: | 5 | I think that while your images are appropriate for now, you should work harder to relate the pictures beside the first one to the actual article, it is quite a tenuous link at the moment, if you can work it into your article after you make some revisions then fine, but be sure that pictures compliment the text. You are also doing OK with your captions at the moment but should try to make them fit any changes in your humour, remember that captions are vital to the success of an image, so thought should always go into them. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 21 | You have the ability, that much is obvious, but you are trying to manifest it without thinking about how, with structure and careful planning your article will be much improved, don't underestimate the effect these two can have. Your article has potential, and as I say, you have the ability to make it work. I realise there is a lot of negative criticism here, but I would urge you not to be discouraged and to instead keep working at your article. If you have any questions or comments I can be reached on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 19:45, January 1, 2010 (UTC) | |