Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:In Search of the Lost Whatchamacallit

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UnBooks:In Search of the Lost Whatchamacallit

My first UnBook. Plan to do 3 reviews to get peoples opinions.--Iwillkillyou333 04:26, 23 May 2009 (UTC)

Unless this one is good, then I'll jst have one review.--Iwillkillyou333 00:56, 26 May 2009 (UTC)

This ones reserved for Tagstit--Iwillkillyou333 02:34, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

Yes! Stay back! Grrrrr...    Tagstit    talk    contribs    awards   04:39, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

Jesus that was long! I have a lot to say to so this may take a while but know I am dutifully working on it.    Tagstit    talk    contribs    awards   15:04, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

Fuckit...I am reallllly sorry. I finished the whole damn thing and then accidentily hit refresh. The page was at least triple the size of any other review I have done. That realllly pissed me off and I apologize.    Tagstit    talk    contribs    awards   15:18, 29 May 2009 (UTC)

Ahh that sucks hate it when that happens... thats why i always keep my notepad open and ctrl + A and then ctrl + C and then ctrl + V every now and then XD... I would review it for you but i dont even trust my own articles lol... All i can point out though is that perhaps some less obvious photoshopped pics with better captions could help... I make this same mistake too btw Acrolo 06:01, 4 June 2009 (UTC)

Cajek and Tagstit you guys do such an in-depth review and thats what people need to improve their articles, let me know if youre ever available to review something for me one day Kudos on the patience and effort mates! Sir ACROLO KUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 05:44, 10 June 2009 (UTC)

you're very welcome, Acrolo!   Le Cejak • <6:00 Jun 10, 2009>

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UnBooks:In Search of the Lost Whatchamacallit is being reviewed by CajekHi! Your Source for Fine Scented Pee And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him

It looks like Tagstit already did some work on this. I'll keep his comments and add my own. I'll be sure to designate which are his and which are mine. I'll even include his scores in the average.   Le Cejak • <17:50 Jun 09, 2009>

Humour:	2.4	Cajek: I just want to say keep reading. I know the score is low, but they can't all be winners. Please stick with us, Iwillkillyou333, and realize that none of this is personal. Tagstit: Alright, you did a few things wrong here and since there were many sections, it took me a while to do this, but by jeebus I did it. Overall though, the humor was a bit overused and old. Most of it has been done before and a lack of fresh humor inside of a fresh idea kind of leaves this less than appealing. The name draws tons of excitement, but it is kind of like waiting to bite into a delicious a delicious hard-boiled egg (if your into that sort of thing) and then realizing that its a bit bad tasting inside. Anywho...I will get going... Cajek: I'm just going to jump in. I use 7 as an average score for various reasons, the most important of which is because it's easier to say what's wrong with an article than what's right (sadly). This gives articles I review a higher overall score. Tagstit: Intro: 6 Cajek: Intro: 4 Tagstit: Probably one of your strongest sections. You do an above average job of captivating the reader, making him ponder and wonder the mystery behind the whatchamacallit. It gives the reader a desire to know what it is and read on. You could do a bit better than and make this perfect. Make references to different traditions, like it can grant eternal youth, fortune, or the ability to look into the future. I have an idea though, you should make it more prologueish. Make it more legendary and epic. Say there was a Mayan priest who created the whatchamacallit, but when evil tried to retrieve it, he realized it was too powerful to risk losing, so he sealed it where no one has found it for centuries. Create more awe around it. Make it legendary and draw the reader in as much as possible. Cajek: Now, as far as the intro goes, it's actually not as captivating as Tagstit says. I'm going to give it a 4. Whereas Tagstit thinks it draws the reader in, I think the clichés and randomness would drive them away. Why Mayans, for example? Are we searching for a candy bar? I don't really get it. It's not badly written or anything, so a 4 will do. Tagstit: Chapter One: The Beginning: 2 Cajek: Chapter One: The Beginning: 3 Tagstit: At this point I was sorely disappointed because right off the bat, the article skews off from suspense, awe, and wonder, and into the hands of in-jokes, poor formatting, and worst of all, Mr.T. Since this is the chapter where he is introduced, I will repeat the most important thing you can do to improve this article. GET RID OF MR.T! GET RID OF HIM! DESTROY HIM! EVERY REFERENCE AND INSTANCE HE IS IN! There are THOUSANDS of articles on this site making reference to Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Jesus, and all that kinda stuff. DON'T DO IT! Although I am only going to mention it here, it applies everywhere else. You need to pick a different leader. Or maybe not a leader at all. I feel there are too many people in your story, and compressing it will make it easier for people to read it. Maybe have the classic white guy, white girl, and then the black guy (who inevitably dies by the end) and only have those three characters. Cajek: Listen to Tagstit. I wasn't as harsh: I liked the part where you listed all the members of your team that were a parody of adventure movies, except the Mr. T thing. If you're not sure if something is a cliché, just delete it. It's the best thing you could do. Tagstit: Chapter Two: Are We There Yet: 3 Cajek: Chapter Two: Are We There Yet: 3 Tagstit: Still, very weak. Although the storyline is going and getting somewhere, alot of it is ultimately contributing to the story and characters in some form or another, but it just isn't funny. Alot of the jokes you use are old and overused. For example, the everybody starts throwing up is often used and in fact, is used in many shows (for example Family Guy when they drink that medicine). If you choose to limit the characters to about three people, you could build on their character more directly. Also, I don't think they should just land. Maybe they fly over a forbidden island where the whatchamacallit is hidden and a spell or something shoots it down and almost kills them all. Just to increase the mystery and suspense. Cajek: Yeah, I agree (except with the part about increasing mystery and suspense: that usually goes against the funny). The storyline is weak, and the dialogue is hard to follow in this format. Whenever you have someone speaking, just start a new line: not that hard. Everyone throwing up? Gimme a break. People in love? not so hilarious. Where is the point of this? In other words, go and look at the story: which lines are we supposed to think are funny? If you came to this website and read about people throwing up, would you be impressed? Lots of shows on TV would not work in the written form because they use physical comedy. Very rarely can you get away with physical comedy in written form here. Please just don't use it. Tagstit: Chapter Three: The Village of WTF: 2 Cajek: Chapter Three: The Village of WTF: 2 Tagstit: Here is another section that has tons of attempted humor but not enough jokes that actually work. For example, the chapter title itself doesn't make much sense. I would suggest making it a bit more mysterious. If you want to keep it as WTF, at least explain it. Maybe instead of it being for what people commonly know it as, maybe it is the village of Wild Tingily Feet. Obviously that is a bad idea but maybe another acryonym spelled out that isn't "what the fuck". If you kind of understand that. Also, maybe have the tribe be ghosts of people who have died trying to find the whatchamacallit. Humor can be found from expanding it from there. Just an idea. Cajek: I thought the treasure was Mayan... oh well, I guess. There's very little that's redeemable here, sadly. You've got Mr. T, you've got another new character (I can't keep track of the ones you already have), you've got a guardian, you spell out very slowly to us why it's a guardian... If this was a movie, you could hear the people groaning. Tagstit has some interesting ideas, but I would be really hard-pressed to make a funny action-movie-parody that had actual action in it. I would just scrap the idea of making this serious. Tagstit: Chapter Four: Down the Hill: 2 Cajek: Chapter Four: Down the Hill: 1 Tagstit: Well, this is a bit better, but such a low score because I don't think it is necessary for the Unbook. Of course, there should be danger that the characters have to overcome, but maybe something a bit funnier should be in place of rolling down a giant hill. If you catch my drift. Also, you should break up the paragraph into two I think. It would make it easier to read. Finally, the death seems unnecessary. It seems a bit gory and may be better taken out. I did like the rock and roll part though (I am a sucker for those corney one liners.) But in conclusion, you need to replace this with a funnier danger to overcome I think. Think about the situation before you choose an event. Cajek: I have to disagree with Tagstit: This wasn't a bit better. It was, uh... ew. I almost couldn't read the rest. Physical pain is funny for twelve year olds, yes. Here, it just doesn't work. Mutilated bodies are funny: bodies mutilated in a particular way are called horror movies. Please don't describe it for us. Oh, thank god Mr. T. is here, plus lots of characters saying things about not wanting to roll down a hill. Yeah. Hilarious...? Cajek: Chapter Five: Pitch Black: 2 Cajek: 4chan in 2006 saw your memes and they want them back. God, I've never seen so much meme-ish crap. You're better than this. What you should do is delete all references to grues, Mr. T., WTF island, and physical humor and see if you can salvage it. You may be left with only two paragraphs, but they would be very good ones, I think. Work from there. Cajek: Chapter Six: Left Alone: 3 Cajek: Ah, l'amour. L'amour isn't funny. Rick Astley line was okay, I guess, but the rest: Why is this funny? It's written okay so I gave you a 3, but really, how is this humorous? Cajek: Chapter Seven: Caboose: 1 Cajek: Now, look, randomness without reason is never funny. This was an island, with Mr. T, now you got Caboose (who I've heard of, luckily), halo-references, grues... randomness can be funny sometimes, but it has to be explained and expected. Then, you can be as random as you want for a short time before our eyes start glazing over. Cajek: Chapter Eight: Tall Grass: 1 Cajek: Look, Im giving you low scores so you'll learn. I'm starting to get blurry vision reading your stuff here. Velociraptors? Are you a weirdo who thinks torturing cats is funny or something? Violence is not funny in an article where it's not called for. Why have violence here? What are you parodying? Cajek: Chapter Nine: Volcano: 3 Cajek: It comes off as rambling to me. I don't really know what you're parodying here. I assume this is a parody, otherwise we have no idea where to start, conceptually, when reading this. Cajek: Chapter Ten: Whatchamacallit: 1 Cajek: I never really cared about the whatchamacallit. Now that we got to the end, we see that it's just another paragraph (or three paragraphs that you failed to break up) about violence. I'm going to try and give some advice in the concept section, but I'm not sure what to say.
Concept:	3	I'm going to say that the concept, without all the Mr. T and grues and violence, is already less than average. The precept, that there's a group of people hunting an artifact that hasn't been described (and isn't described) is very undeveloped and pretty cliché. When you start adding on characters like Mr. T, the concept is lost and it becomes about these watered-down characters. I thought this was about the watchamacallit? Oh, fine, it's about memes and violence. Answer some questions and you'll make a better article: "What am I parodying?" You are obviously trying to parody SOMETHING. Pick one thing and parody only that. Don't get caught up in desperately trying to make us laugh. "Can I justify randomness in this part?" if you can't, forget it. Just go with the two standbys of humor: hyperbole and witticisms. "What purpose does this character serve?" if they serve no purpose, get rid of them. "Can I make this violence funny?" If you're not sure if the violence you're portraying (with people's dicks being... I can't even say it) is funny, get rid of it: It's probably not.
Prose and formatting:	5	Your writing is fine, but you don't know how to do dialogue (-1) and you don't break up any paragraphs. It hurts my friggin' eyes.
Images:	4	forgettable, mostly. There are some that are just eye-rollingly bad, and you can probably guess which ones, based on what I said.
Miscellaneous:	3.6	{{Pee}}
Final Score:	18	There you go, hope you take my (and Tagstit's) advice without taking it as a personal attack.
Reviewer:	Le Cejak • <18:41 Jun 09, 2009>