Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Thin Mints (2nd opinion)

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Thin Mints

The last review wasn't bad, but it left me with a few questions that still haven't been answered. So I figure I should get another opinion, and please, be specific. Whore cHeDDaR 00:24,6May,2009

Don't worry guys. I got this one JackOfSpades (talk) 16:32, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	8	Ok so. The article was good, however there were a couple things that I don't think you played out as well as you could have. The first thing is the relationship between the Necco Thin Mints and York Peppermint Patties. This is only mentioned twice in the whole article, but I think that having at least a paragraph defending (or condemning) the Necco Thin Mints would be a good addition. Also, the narrator seems a little bit too unbiased. Sure it's a story and you want to show both "forms" of the story, but having the narrator have a bias in which brand of Thin Mint they think is "real" would add a little more humor to the article. The last thing is that this seems a little bit too "truthy" even though it is ridiculous. Play the ridiculousness up a bit more like you did in the last section for most of the rest of the article and then it won't seem as truthful.
Concept:	8	Even though I don't like Thin Mints myself I can see someone who does like that kind of stuff getting a kick out of this article. Also the tone and writing style are great for this type of article. That being said, you didn't seem to have anything in mind for the middle and end of the article when you started writing, and the beginning suffered a little. I think you could expand the "So, What Is This "Thin Mint" You Speak Of?" section and then move some of that section into the intro, since some of it seems to belong there.
Prose and formatting:	7.5	Formatting first. Having the "Necco" and "Girl Scout" sub-sections in two of the four sections seems a little awkward to me. I think that you can take them out in the anatomy section and just have a couple paragraphs of compare-contrast instead. I didn't find very much to fix with the prose itself. In fact I only found one thing. In the section on Girl Scouts in the anatomy part there is a sentence that says "According to 2008 statistics, the Girl Scouts, currently the largest cookie manufacturers in America, have gained more profit from their Thin Mints, despite, or perhaps, partially due to their controversy." The part that I find awkward is the "have gained more profit..." part. I'm not sure if you meant more profit than Necco's Thin Mints, or more profit than any of their other cookies. Either way it should be a fairly easy fix.
Images:	7	Although your pictures are good you don't have very many of them. Also, the captions on most of them are a little too long. Just add a couple more (maybe comparing a York to a Necco Thin Mint) and you should be good.
Miscellaneous:	7.6	Average
Final Score:	38.1	This is a good article, but it still needs a bit of work. I think writing another draft in your userspace or even Word would be good just to get some fresh ideas.
Reviewer:	JackOfSpades (talk) 17:36, 6 May 2009 (UTC)