Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Pannts (second review)

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Pannts

This was my very first article and although it already was pee reviewed, I still think I need to change some stuff before it turns into something good -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 22:46, August 18, 2011 (UTC)

I'll try. --Black Flamingo 00:43, November 28, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	6	Hi Xamralco, this is a pretty good article you have here. It definitely needs a bit of work in places though, in my opinion. Intro Good intro, you establish your concept clearly and humorously, and so far it seems like a really good concept. I'll be honest, when I first read the title I thought "what the hell is this going to be?" and I expected it to be very silly and noobish, but no, this is interesting. Perhaps you'd want to try and minimise that with a new title? I don't know, it's up to you of course. At the very least though, consider changing it to PANNTS (capitals), since it's an acronym and all. How Pannts Came to Be Another decent section. I like pseudo-historical things like this, Aleister in Chains used to do it all the time, it always makes you (or at least, me) question the mainstream/modern opinions that we hold on things. It's quite satirical really, especially with all the vegetarian stuff. One thing though, the town name jokes sound a bit forced, I think you can probably do without them. Famous Pannts In this section you really start to lose the angle and get a bit silly. The jokes about pants aren't inherently bad but I think you could tell them better than this. First, it would probably be a good idea to ditch the list, because it makes the jokes seem tiresome and predictable. Secondly, the jokes do mostly seem like not-very-well-thought-out excuses to get references to pants in there. You could try to expand on the history and beliefs of Pannts, and keep a few throwaway references to actual pants (the sweat pants joke was pretty good for instance, you could maybe have a section about sweat shops and make subtle jokes about the garments while you're doing it). Overall this section made me think that you need to be more consistent. I personally really like the concept of people just generally being against not-nice things and think you should stick to that rather than flirting with random humour and puns. Try reading this wonderful article if you haven't already. It is a good example of where I think you should be going with this. The difference of course being that your article focuses on half-hearted hippy protestors rather than someone who is overly-outraged. My main point though is that at the moment the article is a bit scattergun; like it just contains every joke you can possibly think of. Stick with one tone and one subject matter and cut anything that doesn't fit in. It doesn't matter if you end up with something slightly short, some articles are meant to be that way. The Tokyo Few This section is good. Again it's nice and satirical, exactly the kind of thing you should be doing here, at least in my opinion. Corporate Takeover The CRAP jokes are ok but again they feel a bit forced. The whole thing about pants and crap is really just a bit cute rather than laugh-out-loud funny, and the execution isn't as convincing as it could be. It would be sad to cut the whole thing but the article could potentially be better without it. It's up to you, obviously. You could probably still work jokes like this into it, but not in such a clumsy way. For instance, you could quip that "[the people in] Pannts are full of crap". This would be a lot simpler than spinning this elaborate farce about rival corporations. Just Pannts All the stuff about Weird Al is too silly I think. It's just too much of a stretch of the imagination. You only seem to be doing it because "dance" rhymes with "pants"... it's not enough to go down this route. Like I was saying before about the scattergun approach; just because you've got some good jokes about Lady Gaga you shouldn't try to fit them in here; this article is supposed to be about protestors or a charity or whatever they're meant to be. At least, that's what it should be about in this flamingo's eyes.
Concept:	6	I've basically said all I need above. To recap, try to focus on the clever satirical stuff and minimise the silliness and the randomness. It might help to make it more of a general article on "being nice", that way you can probably generate a lot more material than you could just talking about one organisation.
Prose and formatting:	10	No complaints here, nice work.
Images:	5	The first is great but I don't really like the second one for the same reason I don't like the adjoining paragraph. And... that's it. You really need a lot more pictures, the article looks so blank and lifeless but it wants to be beautiful. As I said, I love the first image, it really helps to conjure up a picture of what these people are like, so if you can find more like this then that'd be perfect. If not then, uh, I don't know.
Miscellaneous:	6	Uh?
Final Score:	33	So overall you have some great ideas but you just need to tighten it a little and get some more pictures in there. You know all this already of course, you're a great writer, but in any case I hope the review helps.
Reviewer:	--Black Flamingo 03:20, November 28, 2011 (UTC)