Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo: Travel to and Through the Southern United States
HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States[edit source]
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Link to page, I have no idea what happened, but it definitely wasn't my fault (lie). HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States Angryfaic 20:37, September 28, 2011 (UTC)
- You can just change the header line (the one previously with all that weird code) to the link like that next time that happens. ~
17:19, 7 November 2011
| Humour: | 5 | Hey there. I'd just like to say sorry you've waited so long for this. If you haven't at this point decided to have quit the site I hope this belated review helps you with your article, which looks promising by the way.
So where do we begin? Man, it's a long one! But most of it's pretty good. I think the biggest problem is that the ratio of description to jokes is a little imbalanced in favour of description. There's a tad too much filler in my opinion. You keep saying things like "so you've passed the aptitude test", "so you've decided to read on", "leave this page now" and things like that. This addressing the reader doesn't really serve any purpose other than lengthening the article more than you really should. As Shakespeare said "brevity is the cock of wit", so trim everything you don't need. User:Hyperbole, whose opinion is just as valid, also said if a sentence doesn't contain a joke or set up a joke it has no place on Uncyclopedia. For example, the whole preparation thing could probably be dealt with in one section, but you drag it out for ages. Try to remove anything that isn't hilarious or vital to the set up of a joke. A lot of your article is clever but thin on jokes. The Aptitude Test section is probably a good example of this. I really liked the Deliverance jokes that run throughout but I think overall it needs more jokes. At times you don't really explain yourself either, like where you say "anything labled [sic] with or as the Gulf Coast does not count as the south" - why not? Is there a joke in here waiting to burst out? For another little issue you have, let's look at the section titled "Number 3: Southern activities". This is a good example of a fairly consistent problem. While you raise a lot of potentially humorous points about life in The South, you don't comment on them. In fact you skim through really quickly without taking time to actually tell a joke. It's not funny to just list a few things you've observed (and that everyone else basically already knows too). You have to hit us with a good punch line. Take the driving off road joke, it's a good point you make there, but you need to reword it if you want people to laugh. Let me demonstrate, saying "the Harry Potter story is far-fetched in many ways, for example, a ginger kid has two friends" is much funnier than saying "No one likes ginger people". See what I mean? Surprise us. Twist your sentences and go against your reader's expectations. A nice section of prose is always going to be better than a bullet-pointed list. Go through the article an try to expand on lists so they're not so cursory, as well as short sections like "Number 4". Putting jokes in brackets generally isn't a good idea. It doesn't have the right flow and can be quite predictable. Remember, the key to good comedy is surprise. I feel you also need to play more on perceptions of your subject matter, which is something most great comedy does. For instance, where you say "Southern folk have no concept of bread" - this is not a good justification for the joke as it's not that funny or in keeping with the humour of the piece. Try something like "they think it's the best thing since sliced Negroes"; it's a little more shocking, but at least it plays off stereotypical perceptions of Southerners. I know that's not an amazing joke or anything but I hope it demonstrates my point. |
| Concept: | 6.5 | The concept is a decent one. Can't help but feel it could be more focussed than it is but what I say above should already help you with that. The title is also a bit long, perhaps you could move it to a simpler title? I guess what you've actually got here is a survival guide, so what I would recommend is getting rid of anything that isn't A) hilarious and B) relevant to the survival guide - title included. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5.5 | Your prose is ok. I will raise a few things here but if I were to discuss every point I'd still be here after Christmas. First off, you are inconsistent in referring to The South (sometimes you capitalise, sometimes you don't).
You seem to end sentences in random places. For example: "The Southern United States. Home to..." - that should probably be a comma rather than a full-stop. Remember, you don't need an apostrophe for the possessive "its". "...By it's formidable inhabitors" doesn't need an apostrophe. Also I think you mean “inhabitants”? Your prose is also a little messy at times.
A quick note on formatting too. There are so many headings, it's hard to keep track of what's what, especially when there's so many different sizes too. If there's any way you can eliminate some or just generally tidy it up then I would recommend it. |
| Images: | 6 | The first image of the Southern flag should be moved higher, right to the top, and you should make it bigger too. Generally all the images are too small. There should be more given how long the article is. Maybe take a look at how our featured articles use images for ideas. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | Overall impression. |
| Final Score: | 29 | Ok, so a little bit more work and this should be a great article in no time. Try to get a few more jokes in there and trim the flab. The prose could also do with a very, very thorough proofread (there are a couple of users around the place who would probably be happy to help if you don't trust your own skills, and there's always spellcheckers). I would also recommend you read our featured articles and our writing tips for a better idea of what passes for humour around here. Sure, the article has a few flaws but don't let it get you down, most people's first articles aren't masterpieces. Apart from that, good work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 18:02, December 24, 2011 (UTC) | |