Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Down With This Sort Of Thing!
Down With This Sort Of Thing! (Rw)[edit source]
I picked this up from requested rewrites, and thought I'd have a go at it. The idea is to get the feel of a protest organised by a polite, middle class English type whose idea of rebellion is not wearing a tie to work. Ive got so far, and while I do have ideas to finish it off, I want to know if it's worth my while continuing or if the direction I'm taking is just not funny enough. Compare the current article to see where I've taken it from. --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 11:06, 23 August 2007 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Oh yes, I see where you're going and I like. I like very much. See End Notes. |
| Concept: | 8 | Stuffy, cordial, feathers thoroughly ruffled; dig it. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | Very good; could use a Ceridwyn special, but still commendable. |
| Images: | 5 | I like what's there, but there is better out there. See End Notes. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | Because I've noticed your presence and could sense potential; this article validates that inkling. |
| Final Score: | 35 | PLEASE take this to 100%, because it is absolutely worth it and already funny. |
| Reviewer: | THINKER 07:51, 25 August 2007 (UTC) | |
Great job Under user; talk about a foundation of distinction. I like the set-up and the phrasing very much. However, despite it's encompassed humor, the piece as a whole comes off as a bit of a one-trick pony. Don't be discouraged by this; it isn't missing much. The skeleton is just waiting for a little fleshing. :)
- Expansion - As cockhead as it is to reference one of my own pieces, I will say that a work like this could benefit from an idea called the "masked encyclopedic format" (shown in Mr. Kearsy, and also excellently displayed in Prettiestpretty's Gossip). This is the idea that, while you do NOT want to ruin the article with a the constrictions of a mock-encyclopedic structure, merely mirroring the structure through prose can accomplish the same goal; a beginning, middle and end that neatly wrap the article's concept. This sort of semi-guided format can dramatically improve a pieces flow. Now, you may not want to go as far as restructuring the piece: in that case, I'd suggest a namespace move. I could definitely see this as UnBooks: A Declaration Against This Sort of Thing! or something along those lines. In that case I'd probably have different formatting suggestions, but either change will significantly improve the piece. Such expansion will also probably give better platforms for varied humor, which would boost the overall funniness of the work and push it out of one-trick status.
- Pictures - They work. As decent as they are, the piece calls for something more specific. Something like an old gentleman with a scowl on his face as if to say "Most irregular!!" As is you could probably get away with what is there, but I think something more stand-out could add a layer of comedy that is currently lacking as such.
Keep me posted on your progress, and let me know if you'd like any further assistance. The grunt work is out of the way; put in the effort on the tweaks and I'm almost certain a VFH run is in your future (and shall be supported firmly by your's truly). :D --THINKER 07:51, 25 August 2007 (UTC)