Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Devonport

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User:Speculator/Devonport, Tasmania

Hi all, this is my article about Devonport, a city in Tasmania, Australia. Would be great if it could be reviewed by someone Australian, or who knows a bit about Tasmania, or someone who can get a feeling for the local jokes --Speculator 22:55, October 28, 2011 (UTC)

Ha, you'll be lucky ;). It's been here a while though so I'll have a go. Should be done by tomorrow. --Black Flamingo 21:27, January 9, 2012 (UTC)

Sorry if I don't get this tonight; something's come up. If not, expect it tomorrow night. Apologies again. --Black Flamingo 20:18, January 10, 2012 (UTC)

Humour:	6	Quite a lot of the jokes in this are actually rather good, but in a lot of cases the execution could be better, and overall the article could do with a bit of polish. INTRO So first of all, the opening quotes: "... in Devonport... blah blah mullets, blah blah bogan, blah blah incest..." This is a decent joke, but generally opening quotes only work for really good one-liners. You know, Groucho Marx style. I usually think most opening quotes would work better as prose-based jokes in the main body of the text (the good ones anyway) where they can gather a better flow. Do you think you could do this? The Oscar Wilde quote should probably just be gotten rid of altogether. They're a bit boring now, and this one isn't much of a joke. The intro as a whole is pretty good, I like the jokes about the attractive girls. This makes it easy for a dirty foreigner like myself to understand. The 2nd paragraph of the intro is a bit muddled however. I'm not sure what you mean by "best way to take your car with you". You also start addressing the reader directly (by saying "you") which ruins it a little bit. I would probably try to keep to the encyclopaedic style if I were you. Just describe things objectively. It makes no sense for an encyclopaedia to start addressing its reader. Try something more neutral like "many people flee Tasmania for the land of opportunity that is mainland Australia" and so on like this. Infobox Again, lots of good jokes but I reckon they'd be funnier as prose based jokes rather than shoved in an ugly table like this. The city with spirits joke would probably work better if you did something like this: "the city with spirits... whiskey, rum, schnapps." I think that is a more mature punchline, what about you? The official language joke is good too, but again would work better as a prose based joke. Just something simple like "There are many different languages in Devonport, the most popular of which is slurred English." Prose based jokes are generally better than list-based ones as they have a smoother flow. The punchlines are usually less predictable too. History This section is pretty funny. I would recommend you try to make it clearer, however, that there is no West Devonport (without overexplaining the joke of course), because it was a struggle to read. Geography "Much of Devonport's large expanses of flat land is reclaimed swamp, which was reclaimed from the hideously deformed swamp creatures who previously inhabited it when they decided to move from the flat, low-lying areas of Devonport to the hills around Morris Avenue and Canning Drive, where their descendants still exist today." - That's a bit of a long sentence. Trim it down, break it up. Read it aloud and see how it sounds, that should help sort out the flow. The joke about the buildings evolving into ships is also a good one - but I would try to play it down more. Take time to describe what they are (because I found it hard to get a mental picture - maybe even include a picture?) and the bit where you say they "choose" to spend time there was a bit confusing, perhaps re-word that. Overall, you should try to give more of an impression that everyone wants to leave Devonport, even the buildings. Industry & Economy As for the fourth wall breaking joke - where you mention the author - these can be tricky, but it is pretty funny. Unfortunately it also looks a bit inconsistent against the rest of the article, but I guess it's up to you. The second paragraph is a bit too broad to be funny in my humble opinion. You could say a lot of this stuff about a hundred cities. Is there something in here you could develop? What makes Devonport special? Night Life Now this could use some development. I don't really get the King Street joke, perhaps this could be clearer? The joke about "life" is good though, but I think you could put it much more simply. Just something like "Devonport has a lot of night-life, although the word 'life' is optimistic". Suburbs This is mostly too esoteric in my opinion. And a bit listy too. I liked the joke about "golfing and dying facilities" and the race to see whose suburb could slip into the river first, but that was about it. Perhaps you could remove this section and try to work your best jokes into the other ones for the sake of brevity? That's just my opinion, of course. Sport In my view, this section is mostly too silly. See our guide to being funny and not just stupid if you haven't already, which puts it better than I ever could. While some of what's here might be true it's a little overwhelming to a foreigner like myself. Religion Same as above. Sister Cities Some of this is pretty funny, but again I think you should downplay it, make it seem more realistic. I'm not sure how, but I think at the moment it's a little too "out there" to fit in with the rest of the article, which is mostly quite realistic.
Concept:	10	The concept is simple and that's definitely a good thing. We have a lot of "towncruft" on here, which is basically just a load of local jokes that only a microcosm of people will appreciate. Tends to be bordering on cyberbullying too. This, on the other hand, is rather well done. Nice work.
Prose and formatting:	5	The prose unfortunately does let you down at times. You don't use apostrophes quite correctly. Remember, you use them for possessives (except its) and contractions, but not for plurals. I would recommend you take a look at every place you use apostrophes and make sure they're all correct. In fact, give it a thorough proofread in general, because there are a lot of little issues throughout. Pasting it into a spellchecker (or using a browser that has one) would be a good idea too.
Images:	4	You need a lot more. You definitely need an opening image; something big and clear that establishes your subject. Also, try to illustrate the things you talk about whenever you can, to aid non-locals.
Miscellaneous:	6	Overall feel.
Final Score:	31	Ok, so a little bit of tidying up and this should be a better article in no time. I would also recommend you read our featured articles and our writing tips for a better idea of what passes for humour around here. Sure, the article has a few flaws but don't let it get you down, most people's early articles aren't masterpieces, but this is surprisingly good for a filthy noob ;). Apart from that, good work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.
Reviewer:	--Black Flamingo 00:00, January 11, 2012 (UTC)