Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Claire Redfield (3rd review)

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Claire Redfield

This is my third review of Claire Redfield. I added some stuff since last time to make it funnier. Indepth Please. Thanks!---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 04:49, November 9, 2009 (UTC)

Also some people added stuff that i didnt put in their, for your information---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 04:53, November 9, 2009 (UTC)

I'm in here now. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:07, November 13, 2009 (UTC)

OK that prediction was a bit off, but I've finally got some time now so let's get this done. --ChiefjusticeDS 19:43, November 15, 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	3	OK, the humour has a couple of good points but these are largely eclipsed by some less appropriate humour choices elsewhere. My first recommendation for you would be to cut down on the nonsense. It is generally agreed upon that while nonsense can be amusing, jokes about the truth work a lot better. To apply this to your article, you would be far better making fun of the actual events of the Resident Evil games that she appears in and being faithful to the original details of the series. You should bear in mind the sort of person who will read your article, they will most likely be Resident Evil fans, and will be looking to read a humorous slant on a character from a well known games series, and as such you should work to be faithful to the original details and try to satirise them rather than making things up, since the made up stuff is not only harder to write well, but is also harder to laugh at, especially if you have a differing perspective of the character. In keeping with this idea try to use the wikipedia account of Claire's appearances to structure the article, or at least give you a basic foundation for your work, you can find that here. Beyond the problems with nonsense on the character herself, you should also try to make jokes about things that are actually to do with the character, several times you wander off on tangents which are time consuming to read and not very fulfilling if you do put in the effort to read them completely. You can find some really useful hints on this in HTBFANJS. My advice on this point would be to carefully scan through the article with HTBFANJS open and remove anything that does not conform. Now my next point may be a matter of taste but I am aware that others find it equally undesirable, try to avoid large amounts of profanity and writing long sections about sex, by all means make a point out of this if you feel it is essential, you could even make it a running joke mentioning that she is attractive just in passing as you go through the article. These are some quite far reaching changes, but I honestly feel they will enhance your article a huge amount, I can't stress enough, the value of HTBFANJS if you can read it and learn from it your articles will bear out the difference.
Concept:	4	Your concept is OK, but there are problems that you need to sort out, the majority of these are with regard to your tone. The first problem I noticed on this one was that your tone for Claire doesn't seem very consistent, at some points she seems relatively level-headed and at others the profanity flows and she seems to be talking about killing motherfucking zombies, which is it? You only need to cast your eye over the quotes to notice the disparity, try to amend this so she has a single tone and one could actually imagine she is saying these things. Your own narrative tone is in some difficulties too, you need to decide whether you are narrating like an encyclopaedia article (my recommendation) or like you are speaking to the reader. This is also part of my reason for suggesting that you tone down the profanity as an encyclopaedic article shouldn't have very much in this regard.
Prose and formatting:	4	Again, you are obviously trying to go in the right direction here, but your execution of the idea is flawed. The first thing I noticed was your prose, while the spelling is much better than it was in the last article I looked at that you wrote you need to work at your syntax a bit more. Just make sure everything is in the right order, and remember that you can call on myself or another member of UN:PS for help with spelling and grammar as much as you like. My other problem is with your formatting, I am pleased to see that you have plenty of images, but try to spread them out so that they aren't either crushing text together, I would advise some carefully considered editing or cutting to best resolve this problem. Also carefully consider the Youtube video, will it still fit with your new humour, will it fit if you change the pictures up? You need to be careful with this one.
Images:	6	There are plenty of images, but as I said above I would recommend you cut a couple, the one with the speech bubble in it was the one that seemed the best candidate for this, mainly because I'm sure you can do far better, your first image and your last images are superb, the last one especially could be used for the joke regarding her similarity to Zoey from Left 4 Dead. Consider this when thinking about your captions. Remember if you aren't confident with image manipulation then you can always ask another User to create an image for you especially if you have an idea for an image already, I am confident you can make this better.
Miscellaneous:	4	My overall grade of the article.
Final Score:	21	With an overall grade coming in just below average I think you have the ability to make this work but have made a couple of mistakes while updating it. If you are unhappy with this score, please have a word with me and I can try my best to give you a hand with making any changes to the article, I understand it may be disheartening to have a relatively low score for this one, but I would urge you to keep going. There were some real demonstrations of ability in the article and if you can get rid of some of the less excellent bits these parts can truly shine. As I said, feel free to contact me for just about anything on my talk page, I'm here to help you not discourage you. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer:	--ChiefjusticeDS 21:14, November 15, 2009 (UTC)