UnNews talk:Clip-on Ties Bring Safety to Schools

I don't understand how clip on ties is any safer: surely you can still strangle a student, if not clip a classmate? Good article, by the way. ---kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 00:57, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

I would presume that they'd just fall off under any kind of pressure, and thanks, I can officially add this to my winning streak of greatness. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 01:00 19 May 2009

Hey Orian, a few points I'm going to make, since you asked for a "review":

• PLEASE introduce the thing to us stupid Americans. A sentence about how ties were always used in British schools would be nice. Just because something is "bullocks" or "pants" in jolly-old England doesn't mean it is here. A little more of an introduction is necessary.
• Switch to third person formal: Make this look like it's really news. That means changing the title (when I saw it, I just thought "Oh god, what's this?") and switching to an uninterested, third party point of view. Take out all the "we" and "us", first. Second, do NOT ask the reader any questions: we have a hard time responding.
• Otherwise, it's okay. I would have more to say after the above is taken care of... Was I helpful?

  Le Cejak • <14:49 May 19, 2009>

Ok, thank you. Though I'm afraid I may have to dissagree.

• I don't understand what you mean by introduce it to Americans, a tie is a tie over there too, isn't it? I think it's introduced as a topic well enough in the first paragraph.
• the voice I used for this article was meant to sound like she had an agenda, it was meant to sound more personal, she's just presumed her audiance agrees with her and gone from there. I thought that was what was funny about it. I see where your comming from but I see this quite a lot in real right wing articles and just thought I'd take it a step further. Agree about changing the title though.
• I do apreciate your feedback, but I have to respectfully decline your advice (yeah I know I asked for it). ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 15:08 19 May 2009

Well, consider the opening sentences: "We’ve heard all the horror stories. We’ve mourned our losses. We’ve campaigned until our faces were blue. And now, finally, after all this time, the government are banning school ties in England." This is kinda confusing for me. Who's "we"? I certainly don't remember VOTING FOR IT (LIKE WE DO IN 'MERICA)! What's a "school tie"? We don't have dress codes over here in public schools (usually), so I was kind of lost with that phrase. Having someone explain this to me is weird too, especially in what is supposed to be a news article, not opinion. It would be funnier if this was treated as a very serious issue in some respected journal instead of what looks like a diary entry... Oh well, you asked for my shitty advice, not me :)   Le Cejak • <18:28 May 19, 2009>

I had no idea that whatever I wrote on Uncyc was understandable to Americans anyway. =( ---kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 19:28, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

From Pee

Humour:	6.5	Well, I don't review UnNewses very often, so this is novel for both of us. I'll try to be gentle... OK, I like the general thrust of the article, it's a decent topic for satire, and a good target to take aim at. And there are some good lines in here, and some nice touches. But the article doesn't really work for me - not because of the ideas or the humour so much as the execution. See, I like the jokes - the mishaps listed early on are good, the overpricing of the ties and the cornering of the market is a neat idea, the absurd consequence of not wearing one, the overkill by the spokesperson in the last paragraph - all these are funny ideas, and I like 'em. So why do I feel this isn't working? It doesn't feel like a news article, which is the main thing. Take a look at the best UnNewses, the featured jobbies - pretty much all of them feel like news reports - they use the appropriate language, the right tone, the right delivery. This doesn't. The intro is a case in point - we've heard this, we've heard that - who is this "we"? Bad set-up, to be honest - introduce it impersonally, state what's happening in a dispassionate third-person tone, making it feel more like a news article. Look at the article your idea came from, for a start. Then try to stay dispassionate - news sources, particularly the Beeb, at least try to pretend they're unbiased - and as you haven't set this up as a report by a rabid right-wing publication, that's what you have to aim for, so comments such as "Astonishingly our Safety-First movement is being criticised by the irresponsible, no-doubt childless, Minister of Education" doesn't work - if definite opinions like that are to be suggested, you have to establish a character to voice them, either by having the news article be an opinion piece by a right-wing character (which would need a re-write, but would allow you to use this tone a little better, and you could have fun undermining the character) or by having them stated by someone else as a direct quote - "Safety First spokesman Michael Madeupname told us: 'astonishingly, the obviously childless ...'" - for instance.
Concept:	7.5	No problem, good idea - plenty of scope here, you can have fun with this one, and have done. I'd say there are maybe a few more cracks to be had here though, certainly you can squeeze some humour-juice from "Clip-on ties also allow schools to create a more standardised appearance, says the association, stopping pupils from being more creative in how they wear their ties.". That cries out to me for satirisation, maybe by suggesting other opportunities for creativity in appearance that could be removed (standard issue school wigs?) or by discussing how creativity is one of the key things we need to stamp out in children in this country...
Prose and formatting:	7	Well, it's mainly the tone that is the reason for this mark as well, sorry to harp on about it, but it makes all the difference. I have to say I can find little to pick on with regard to the spelling (you'll be pleased to hear!) although I did wonder what "on-wards" was doing hyphenated? Onwards will do fine, thanks!
Images:	7	Well, it's fine - not outstanding, but does the job, and of course is relevant as you nicked it from the BBC item. Not entirely sure you couldn't have a little more fun with the caption though - "the 'fat knot' will be disappearing, but we can't make any promises about the fat kids"? Actually, yours would probably fit better with a more newsy feel, so maybe not, eh?
Miscellaneous:	7	Averaged because these things happen.
Final Score:	35	The ideas are there, what this needs is a consistent tone, and a more newsy feel. I'm sure you can sort this out, and then this should be a really decent UnNews article. Don't know if it would be the kind of UnNews that would go on to get feature, I'm not sure it has the broad appeal for that, but it's got the potential to be a really, really good UnNews. Oh yeah - and I'm not sold on the title, it's not really working. "Clip-on Ties Bring Safety to Schools" possibly? Something a little more "newsy" again, anyway. Hope this makes sense, and is a help. As always, other opinions are available and all that jazz. Thanks for another chuckle or two though!
Reviewer:	--UU - natter 19:03, May 24

Additional: heh, just seen the talk page. Yeah, I'm with Cajek on this one - although if your intention was to make the article sound like it has an agenda, then you need to set it up that way - tell us who is doing the reporting, and also show us a reason for their agenda. Without this context, it doesn't work. Again, I hope this makes sense, but seriously, that's how it feels. Just have another look at it, see if you can spot what I mean - it makes sense to you, because you know what your intention is, to a fresh reader without that context, it's not working. Supply the context, and things will improve. I'd still recommend making it a more standard news thing though, I'm not sure you need the extra agenda to make this work. Still, it's up to you! --UU - natter 19:12, May 24

Moved here by: ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 04:50 25 May 2009