UnNews:William Hung comes out of the closet
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 March 2010
BERKELEY, California - In a not-surprising turn of events, yet another former American Idol contestant auditioner has come out of the closet as a homosexual.
"I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homoseckshural man," said William Hung in a message posted on his Tripod account/official fan site. "I am proud of who I am, and I encourage erreryone to follow their hawts."
William Hung was launched to quasi-stardom in 2004 after a horrible American Idol audition, in which he swung his arms like a maniac and inadvertently sent judge Randy Jackson to the hospital for high blood pressure. Over the following year, he used his fifteen minutes of fame to inspire millions with the message of being yourself, no matter how hard people are busting their guts laughing at you.
During this time, questions floated on the internet about Hung's sexuality. These rumors reached the surface in early 2005 when Barbara Walters asked him in an interview what he did in his free time. "Pokémon, " he replied, referring to the card game, yet due to his Chinese accent, many misheard it as "poke a man". He later attempted to clear up this misunderstanding, but the image of Hung fornicating a dude burned in the brains of millions had already damaged his music career.
It was this week, however, that Hung admitted to being gay, and that he had kept it hidden all these years in fear of losing singing gigs at local events. "It has reary been hawd keeping this secret, but I rerize I have to stay true to my fans," Hung stated on his website. "You should always be yourself, and I am a gay man who likes to shake his bon-bon, shake his bon-bon."
Already Hung is becoming the butt of late night comedians' jokes. "Wow," said Carson Daly during the monologue for his 4 a.m. talk show Last Call on NBC. "I mean, we all knew he sucked phallus. I just didn't think it was literally." After an awkward, laugh-free silence from the audience, Carson continued, "Heh, actually, I would hate to be his boyfriend, what with those teeth." Still nothing.
Meanwhile, some are skeptical of Hung's confessed sexual orientation. American Idol judge Simon Cowell called the revelation "a pitiful, utterly pathetic attempt to reclaim relevancy." Hung's own former college therapist, Richard Newman, stated, "Oh, he isn't gay. He's only subconsciously convinced himself he is as a means to avoid the pain of rejection from attractive girls way out of his league. After awhile, he'll come to terms with reality and convert back to hetero-hopelessness."
Despite Newman's analysis, people close to William Hung say he has a boyfriend named Dan Kwon, though there is no word on whether or not the relationship is serious.