UnNews:Universe ends: God blames Microsoft while NBC sues.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 June 2007

HEAVEN, Christendom -- In a shocking turn of events, the universe has promptly ended. As the realm of existence faded, there was a distinct lack of bright lights and ethereal voices, causing NBC (the holder of the television rights to the Apocalypse) to make moves to sue God. An NBC spokesperson said this morning "We are very disappointed that we weren't informed by the Almighty of the impending doom. We weren't able to get cameras on the ground until it was almost finished and what we eventually captured was disappointing."

This impending legal battle appears to be the least of the Lord's problems. God said in a press conference earlier today that the loss of everything was "somewhat unexpected" and blames it on the new IT network Heaven was using. "We used to use an Eden-1 Supercomputer, but it was starting to age," the Lord revealed, "so our IT Consultant decided it would be best to upgrade to an integrated Windows setup. It didn't seem like much at the time, but I should have noticed his horns and the Dell tattoo on his arm."

Only 20 minutes after the switch over, warning bells began to ring. "We kept getting messages warning us that Windows XP couldn't understand the file 'existence.exe', which was quite worrying." a high level Tech-Angel said to the media this morning. "We tried emailing Hell to see how things were going down there, but Outlook wouldn't open".

At around 4:30 this morning, St. Peter attempted to play a boredom relieving game of Solitaire, thus causing a catastrophic system failure. While the entire cohort of the Blessed Dead attempted frantically to implement backup files, the universe slowly went offline. When attempting to access the central G: drive, Heaven IT department was confronted by a error message stating: "No". In a desperate last ditch effort to restore service, processing power was rerouted from the www.purgatory.com server, only for IT staff to find that the domain was operated by Apple OS X.

Access to critical directories was bluntly denied.

"Although the crucial 'existence.exe' file has shat itself," God stated in a press release, "the 'existence/perception/human' directory was protected by 'freewill.exe', meaning that people will believe that this dimension is still real. However, our 30 day-trial period expires tomorrow, so basically you're all fucked."

Heaven's lawyers are preparing to counter several court challenges from Earth, while they consider suing Microsoft for the cost of damages, a figure somewhere around US$4,546,836,184,089,243,535,236,195,742,743,012,535.