UnNews:UK government pushes for ID cards for serial killers

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13 December 2006

Police sketch from eyewitnesses of the killer.

FORTRESS BRITAIN, Tomorrow (UNN) -- Top stand-up comedian Tony Blair has pushed for identity cards to be made mandatory for all serial killers in Suffolk.

"With proper biometric identification of all potential murderers, starting with our 'baby ASBO' scheme, we feel sure we can keep the populace of Britain as secure as they deserve to be. ... Yes, of course fingerprinting your school children will protect you from serial killers! How can you not see the obvious link? GUARDS! Throw this smelly digital rights activist out."

The killings have shocked the town of Ipswich. "I didn't know we even had a red light district," said Brenda Busybody, 77 (IQ). "I thought it were all stop signs around here."

Police have stated fears that the killer might attack normal decent women who weren't filthy disgusting morally-diseased junkies, and advise all women within a five hundred mile radius of Ipswich to stay indoors at all times, protected by the man of the household, and preferably wearing a burqa (although this will mean they cannot visit Jack Straw's offices).

But despite the warnings and growing fears, some of these immoral painted Jezebels will apparently continue to work the dark streets and corrupt our good menfolk and husbands because of a claimed desperate need to eat or pay rent or some such rubbish.

Asked for comment, Peter Sutcliffe, the famed Yorkshire Pudding, said: "Bah. You don't get proper brutally murdered women these days."