Cessnock, New South Wales

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A photograph of Cessnock. Even bolting things down will not save them here.
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Cessnock is a town located near Newcastle, New South Wales in the hunter region. To many it is a cultural hub. These 'many' were found to have come from Newcastle insane asylum. It is a small out of the way town most famous for its soccer dads, league supporters pubs, fish and chips shops, cremation tradition, the 3-1 pubs to people ratio, thieves, and the fact asbedos is still legal insulation material and construction material.

Cessnock's two most famous residents include some guy who was born there and become a Coca-Cola CEO and Stuart M. the second best Pokémon TAG player in Australia. Oh, and the host of that God-awful "Matty Johns Footy Show".

Soccer Dads[edit | edit source]

These fathers are the most loving parents in the world and treat the fruit of their loins well, as long as the child is male. The soccer dads show their love by turning up drunk at 11:00 AM at their sons soccer matches. They continue to show their love by only drinking during the celebration of beertoberfest celebrated July 1st until June 30th.

The fathers of a female children are known in Cessnockian ( the language of Cessnock) as Deadbeat divorcees. They are rejected by all their former friends, banned from all their pubs and the government changes all the locks on his former house.

The average life span of the soccer dad is usually about 45 years, or until they get thrown in prison.

League Supporters[edit | edit source]

Owing to the fact that the majority of the town spends most of their days drunk and poor, one of the main activities you will see local children and adults alike partake in is Rugby League. ALL cessnockians support the local(ish) League team, The Newcastle Knights. Despite the fact that the team loses nearly every game and every good player to drugs, they follow the club through thick and thin, as the the niche market of local drug dealers are Newcastle knights players, and without their support, Cessnock would not have any income whatsoever.

Pubs[edit | edit source]

Cessnock has baffled business planners the world over with amazing three pubs to every person ratio. The economy of the town defies logic by ensuring all these pubs stay afloat.

Most citizens of Cessnock are poor and will only buy three beers a day meaning each pub should be selling one beer each. This has been proven to be insufficient to cover business expenses, home expenses and bailing the owner's son out of jail every week. To further confuse the problem, Cessnock is notorious for having a massive theft problem and by 9:00:43 AM, just 43 seconds after most pubs open in Cessnock, all of the pub's stock has been stolen, meaning that by the time a customer comes in there is nothing left to drink.

Usually upon leaving the pub the customer finds he is missing his wallet, his bottle opener, his clothes and one kidney.

Travel to, from and within the city[edit | edit source]

Travel around Cessnock can be tricky business.

The only petrol station in Cessnock was knocked down in 2005. They forgot to get the petrol out of the bowsers first and it lead to an explosion killing the driver of the bulldozer. His grave was built over the site of the accident. The tombstone was promptly stolen, his coffin dug up, and his corpse's mouth used as a port-o-potty.

So there is no way to get petrol in town.

It has been said that all roads lead to Cessnock. This is only part true as all roads actually lead AWAY from Cessnock.

Traveling to the town from another location no matter how war torn or radioactive is something that is not often done. Most people arrive at Cessnock by accident. Immediately upon arriving they attempt to leave and discover there is a $4000 dollar leaving town tax. Most travel agents will tell you that paying this $4000 dollars will be the best money you ever spend.

The Police Boys Youth Club[edit | edit source]

The PCYC is the training facility of the greatest champion the city would ever know. It was within the walls of the PCYC that the town crafted a young boy into a champion who would eventually become the second best Pokémon TCG player in Australia. It was where the town met Stuart M. On more than one occasion his deck got stolen by thieves but he persevered and became champion. The year after he did the PCYC shut down and was turned into a pub. The pub was stolen 4 minutes later by thieves who developed hernias from carrying the pub on their backs. Luckily for them, their hernias were stolen by other thieves.

Fish and Chips shops[edit | edit source]

Fish and chips shops are the life blood of the economy in Cessnock. For the foolhardy travelers who didn't notice they was coming up on Cessnock and didn't quickly turn into Kurri Kurri would need to use a phone to get the out of town tax money wired to them by their grandparents. Unfortunately the only phones in Cessnock lie within their fish n' Chips shops.

Legally to enter a Cessnock Fish n' Chips shop you must buy fish n' chips and its likely before you use the phone they you bought fish n' chips for the phone will be stolen by someone. So you have to go to another fish and chips shop, pay for more fish only to have it stolen again. It is only upon going to last fish n' chips shop spending a total of $6300 on the way will you finally get the phone. It is this co-operation of thieves and fish and chips shop owners that keep the town afloat.

Cessnockian[edit | edit source]

Cessnockian (known as Neck-nock-ian to surrounding townships) is the official language of Cessnock and linguists everywhere are baffled by the fact that words like big and bigger have no connection between them in Cessnockian. Linguists aren't so baffled by the fact that translations for words and phrases like book and non alcoholic drink don't exist in Cessnockian.