UnNews:Turkey's airport roasted

Blaze under control after several hours of battling at 450 degrees

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 May 2006

A practical jokester adds fuel to the fire.

ISTANBUL Turkey -- Istanbul's Ataturk International Airport was aflame today, both with controversy and literally. Implementation of a new program, instituted to create a more relaxed and friendly environment at Turkey's largest airport, resulted in tragic losses of baggage and travel time.

Modeled after the American idea of an "Atta-Boy" award, a recognition of employees' positive efforts, the "Atta-Turk Award Program" was announced to all employees by leaving notes in their time-card slots. The American company Grumman, charged with organizing the Crusade against "bad manners and slovenliness", was apparently duped by a bogus translator in their employ.

The ""Atta-Turk" memo contained several references to particular employees and their sexual relations with livestock, as well insults about the odor, hygiene and feeble-mindedness of Turkish people in general. Enraged workers set fire to their notices, baggage, management personel, and "Meat On A Stick" carts throughout the morning, causing major havoc and minor bedlam in an already chaotic workplace.

"Who do they think they are, these bastards?," asked Mujdat Yucel, manager of the Havas cargo and ground services company. "Insulting our people and heritage is not the way to improve international relations."

As it turns out, most of the damage was caused by a practical joker, who'd replace water with kerosene in the fire plane's tank. A surprised pilot was heard to say, "By the beard of my grandmother, I've never seen such an explosion!", just before the aircraft was consumed in the blaze. The pilot was the only fatality.

Sources

• Pat Robertson "The Folly Of Using Pastels On Military Aircraft" The Smegma Report, June 6, 2006