UnNews:Trump learns truth about travel ban, outrage ensues
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Late delivery
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Mr. Clark W. Griswold...
I found an article for UnNews. I was supposed to deliver it on January 28, 2017, but it fell between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry. |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump experienced what White House officials are calling a "minor anxiety attack" earlier today after hearing troubling news regarding yesterday's "travel ban". White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, who later said he was distraught by having to work on a Saturday, forgot to latch the Oval Office playpen, allowing the President to escape and grab the television remote control. An apparent glitch in the parental control settings allowed the President to change the program from Barney & Friends to Fox & Friends. Throughout the morning, the most watched, most trusted network featured a fair and balanced lineup of a dozen rich, white Christians over the age of 40 discussing Executive Order 13769, which the President signed yesterday.
The journalists all seemed to have the same favorable opinion of the executive order, titled Protecting the Nation from Foreign Terrorist Entry into the United States. This reportedly made the President happy. They made many statements in support of the executive order that were technically true, but in reality failed to address key issues and actually distorted the truth, much like Johnnie Cochran's defense of O.J. Simpson. This reportedly made the President happy. They then started saying that the executive order is "not a Muslim ban". This is when the President reportedly lost it.
After throwing the Oval Office choo choo at Personal Secretary to the President Madeleine Westerhout, the President called his informal cybersecurity adviser, Rudy Giuliani, to discuss the shocking report. UnNews has received a partial transcript of the call (which was definitely not leaked by Westerhout):
GIULIANI: Hello, Mr. President!
TRUMP: Ok, first off, what the hell is Indonesia?
GIULIANI: What? What do you mean?
TRUMP: I'm watching the news right now, and they keep talking about some Indonesia?
GIULIANI: Wait, why and how are you watching the news?
TRUMP: And so at first I just thought it was a make believe place, you know, like Whoville or Tasmania, but they keep talking about it like it's real.
GIULIANI: ...um, yes, Indonesia is a real place.
TRUMP: Well they're saying that there might be 230 Muslims in Indonesia!
GIULIANI: ......yeeeeeeeeeeeessss...
TRUMP: And so I was thinking, if there's more than 200 Muslims in a place that I've never even heard of, then there might be more than 2,000 Muslims worldwide!
Indistinct profanity heard in background.
GIULIANI: Um, yes, Mr. President, there are more than 2,000 Muslims worldwide.
TRUMP: And they're saying that the executive order I signed yesterday is not a Muslim ban. What the fuck?!? I specifically told you to form a committee to draft me a Muslim ban. Why isn't Rhodesia on the list?
GIULIANI: Wait, do you mean Zim-...ugghh, never mind. Look, you said you wanted us to show you the right way to do it legally.
The conversation continued for roughly 50 minutes, mostly consisting of Giuliani explaining the Constitution of the United States to the President by reading to him from a fourth grade history textbook.
After hanging up, the President was seen throwing the rest of the Oval Office toys and some of the smaller pieces of furniture out onto the South Lawn. The President then headed straight to the kitchen for a few cheeseburgers, shouting "YOU'RE FIRED!!" at everyone he happened to see along the way, including a portrait of George Washington, whom the President called a "fruity-haired tranny". After stuffing his face, the President returned to the Oval Office to do some more redecorating. Secret Service stepped in and stopped the President when he attempted to set fire to the Resolute desk. They were finally able to get him to calm down when they asked him to go to his bedroom, where they said Stormy Daniels would meet him shortly. They gave Mike Pence a blonde wig and sent him in.
Two hours later, the President emerged with a big smile on his face and thanked everyone for helping him deal with his minor anxiety attack.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- MrX, "Rudy Giuliani says Donald Trump came to him to create 'Muslim ban': 'Show me the right way to do it, legally'" Daily News, January 28, 2017