UnNews:The town that gave up on apostrophes

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 March 2013

An attempt to have all sign-makers pass a basic punctuation test was suspended after several examinees burst into tears.

A town in Devon in the south-west of the United Kingdom has decided to ban the apostrophe from all public notices because its just too complicated.

"My sons English teacher tried to explain em to me," admits Peter Hare-Scott, whos leader of Mid Devon District Council, "But its no clearer to me now. They said I should always put one in Peters, or whenever something belongs to someone, or belongs to something I think... but then I was like how can its not have one? And they said sometimes its got one and sometimes it hasnt."

Charles Noon, a former longtime council member, has attacked his successors proposal, saying: "The apostrophes got to be preserved. Without it thered be terrible misunderstandings. Take this plausible example: 'If you get home late for dinner, you can eat your sons'. If you don't put the apostrophe in 'sons', its cannibalism, isnt it? Everyone reading thatd assume your eating your children for dinner."

Grammar expert Joanna Corey told UnNews, "This is all wank. On the one hand youve got people who cant understand a punctuation point there teaching my twelve year old at school, and on the other youve got all these joyless pedants who get there camera phones out every time they see menus written with an apostrophe."

"I say burn the country down."

The last word went to Hare-Scott after he made a last minute attempt to understand it all, listening patiently to a pedant who writes for a wiki. "OK, so your saying the apostrophe goes after the 's' if it's a... a plural thingie, right? So is it childrens' hospital then?"

Sources

• Leverage, "Britons want to know what possessed officials targeting apostrophes" LA Times, March 28, 2013