Wednesday, June 24, 2020
Earth's closest neighbors just received the news of Donald Trump's nomination.
PROXIMA CENTAURI B -- Polling out of Proxima Centauri B indicates the Earth's closest neighbors in the galaxy are absolutely horrified by what they are seeing out of the 2016 United States presidential election. Approximately 4.2 lightyears away from Earth, Proxima Centauri B just became aware of bankruptcy connoisseur and reality show star Donald Trump's victory over Ted Cruz and Jeb! Bush in the 2016 Republican primary.
"Oh God," one Centaurian was reported to say in horrified dismay as they watched the CNN broadcast from just over four years ago of Anderson Cooper declaring that it looks as if Trump has secured enough delegates to become the presumptive nominee. "What is wrong with these people?" That sentiment has been shared over Centaurian social media all evening as results from the final primary states of the 2016 presidential election rolled in.
"I can't believe I'm actually upset John Kasich didn't win this" reads one post that has been shared over 10 million times by Centaurians from every Mudbath on the planet.
Fleeflorg Gip-gip, the recently elected representative of Mudbath #126, shared the following statement with UnNews about Trump's surprising win in the Republican primary:
- Wow. We are in utter disbelief across the Proxima Centauri system. Here is this guy, who just a few years ago was trying to discredit the legitimacy of the president to hold Office with a conspiracy about his birth place, being nominated by one of the major political parties in America. Could you imagine him trying to handle a crisis like Hurricane Katrina? He'd fumble that even worse than Bush. Or what about a pandemic? Our Mudbath was almost wiped out by a virus spreading 20 parsecs ago, but thanks to smart leadership, we were able to implement a quarantine and mass test everyone and crush the virus before it was too late. This guy? No way he could handle that. Or what about foreign affairs? You think other nations will take Donald Trump seriously? Or worse, this guy may cause a nuclear war by butting heads with Iran... Or how about a financial collapse? He probably knows how to cause them, but actually getting out of one? All I can say is enjoy your double digit unemployment if Trump takes Office. I honestly can't believe there are that many idiots in America that would make him the face of one of the two parties. I can't. I remember back when I was a tadpole in late 2005 hearing Trump say something about "well, now my tower is the tallest in Manhattan" when the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. Vile. Absolutely disgusting to be braggadocios at a time like that. How did that statement not completely destroy him publicly?
- Or how about his clearly racist statements about Hispanics?! Huh? Or what about the discrimination lawsuits the Department of Justice brought against Trump and his father for housing discrimination towards blacks in the 1970s? We all know about it here on B, how do Americans not? The guy is clearly a racist!
- It's like Trump gets off on being the most deplorable person imaginable. There's no way his behavior is accidental.
- Even the guy who tied his dog to the roof of his car would be better than that orange gluttonous blob. Are there really people who want a border wall that badly? They know he probably won't even build one, right? Not that it matters. It'd probably be so shoddily built that a gust of wind would collapse it if it did get built.
- At least we can be sure Hillary Clinton will win. This race should be a cakewalk for her, even if she didn't adopt the "ponies for everyone" policy. I really think she should. It would definitely appeal to the populists who voted for Bernie.
Proxima Centauri B plans to hold a massive fireworks celebration for Hillary's inevitable win. They should be visible to Earthlings in November 2020, just in time for her reelection.
This article was brought to you by a one-way intergalactic portal that transmits information from the Proxima Centauri system to the Sol system faster than the speed of light. Unfortunately, the inhabitants of Proxima Centauri B can only observe our solar system using their telescopes and are not able to get news from us instantaneously. This means they are still 4 years behind current events on Earth. Oh boy, they're in for a shock. -- Editor.