UnNews:The 'Berlusconi Effect' plagues Italian women

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 December 2012

Billionaire playboy and politician Silvio Berlusconi.

Rome, Italy --

Medical researchers in Italy report that they have achieved success in treating a little known and seldom discussed health problem which has been afflicting attractive young women all over the country for well over a decade. Striking primarily women between the ages of seventeen and thirty five, researchers have dubbed the syndrome, 'The Berlusconi Effect'.

The condition, which causes their legs to snap open when they are within a certain radius of billionaire and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, has been afflicting Roman women in particular for a number of years. After Mr. Berlusconi left office the effect had begun to abate somewhat in the capital region, but in recent days there has been another flare up, coinciding with public disclosure of the financial details regarding his divorce settlement with former wife, Veronica Lario.

Berlusconi Effect sufferer at a Roman treatment center.

"It first began cropping up in the mid '90s. We kept getting more and more reports of women's legs flying open, often quickly and violently, and locking in that position, for no reason that we could figure out at the time," explained lead researcher, Dr. Segaiolo Vaffanculo of Rome University.

"The first couple of years we were completely stumped. That very first 'eureka' moment only occurred by chance, as so often happens in science. I was home one day after work watching the evening news with my wife Pompinara, and they began discussing Berlusconi's wealth. When images of his many sports cars, expensive suits and palatial villas began appearing on the screen I happened to glance at my wife and saw that her legs were spread wider than I had ever seen before, even on our wedding night."

Dr. Vaffanculo shook his head sadly as he recalled the events of that day. "I didn't immediately make the connection to Berlusconi, but at that moment my sister Zoccola called, and when I told her what had happened, she switched channels to the same program. After a few seconds the phone clattered to the floor and I heard her husband, Fottuto, begin shouting in the background. That's when I knew for sure I was onto something."

Dr. Segaiolo Vaffanculo explains how the effect has evolved over the years alongside Berlusconi's increasing notoriety and political influence.

Over the years, as Berlusconi has continued to dominate the center stage of Italian politics, the situation has only worsened and is now threatening to reach epidemic proportions. Even more troubling, there are emerging indications that the effect may be intensifying and beginning to afflict others who had previously appeared to be immune.

"At the very start, it only affected young women who stood near him at parties or nightclubs. Then, we began seeing cases of the effect also striking older women who'd seen him on television or heard his name mentioned. Until recently we thought it couldn't get much worse than that. But after this recent divorce settlement, with reports that he's going to be paying his ex-wife almost €100,000 a day, it now seems that simply being within five square miles of him can affect women of any age," said Vaffanculo. "Thousands of women have been afflicted. It's nearly impossible for them to walk with their legs spread open so wide, and they often have to use specially adapted motorized wheelchairs in order to get around."

A similar but opposite syndrome known as The Friend-Zone Effect.

After years of research, with little or no funding from the government, Vaffanculo and his colleagues have developed a successful treatment, which they have made available all over the country free of charge. They are hoping to use the media, which originally helped create the problem, to spread the word that there is hope for the afflicted. They've compiled a two hour long video featuring nice men who have little or no money, which, when viewed by Berlusconi Effect sufferers, almost immediately causes their leg muscles to begin relaxing and within days they can resume their normal lives completely free of the condition. He cautions however that the video should only be watched once, as repeated viewing can cause women's legs to clamp firmly shut, creating an opposite syndrome known as 'The Friend Zone Effect'.

Sources

• "Silvio Berlusconi to pay ex-wife 36m euros a year'" BBC NEWS, December 28, 2012