UnNews:Sunnis, Shia clash at Australian Open tennis
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 January 2007
MELBOURNE, Australia. GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK). SUNNI and Shia tennis fanatics were involved in violent clashes at the Australian Open tennis in Melbourne yesterday. The carnage resulted in a 24-year-old Melbourne Shia man being given a small bottle of water by pudgy volunteer ambulance officers after he was struck in the face with a plastic slipper.
Bubbling rivalries between rival supporters of the rival sects spilled on to centre court on account of the tense rubber between the United Arab Emirates' Sunni serve-and-volley merchant Muhammad Saeed "Comical Ali" al-Sahhaf and Iran's long-forgotten reformist baseliner Mohammad Khatami (who narrowly succeeded in gaining wild-card entry to the tournament).
At least 14,000 fair-dinkum Sunni Australians were ejected from the Melbourne Park tennis centre, along with an estimated 11,000 true-blue Shi'ite blokes after the donnybrook broke out during the hard-fought fifth set between the two powerhouses of Persian Gulf tennis.
Superintendent Darryl Plonkermann, the police officer in charge of security at the event, issued only this short statement: "It's a load of bullshit, if you ask me. I couldn't give a rat's arse if a bunch of scarfies (Muslims) want to get into a bit of a stoush (punch-up), as long as I can still get a souvlaki (kebab) on the way home.
"Now piss off, will you? I'm trying to have a beer and watch the tennis."
The Iraqi-born al-Sahhaf, a public-relations expert (who was once employed by former Washington favourite Saddam Hussein), was as crisp as one of his trademark backhand volleys when describing his 6-4, 3-6, 4-6, 7-5, 17-15 win over the former Iranian president.
"You will see the infidel of Tehran hang himself at the gates of the locker room!" he shouted modestly at the post-match press conference. "Allah will roast his stomach in hell!"
Khatami struggled to hide his disappointment at his first-round exit.
"I'm not sure that 16-year-old girls should be flogged and hanged for the crime of having been raped," he said.
Al-Sahhaf will now meet men's No. 6 seed Andy Roddick in the second round after the American strolled past out-of-form Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah of Lebanon 6-0, 6-1, 6-0.