UnNews:Study topples pyramid, gives USDA black eye

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6 February 2007

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The revised 'food pyramid' is expected to have no effect on your waistline, since you were ignoring the now missing veggies and fruits anyway.

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- A landmark study published in the New England Journal of Medicine has given nutrition theory and those that study it, foodoligists, a nasty shock.

The study, made public today, has clinically proven that vegetables are, in fact, gross. In a double-blind test involving thousands of people nationwide it found, much to the chagrin of the foololigists that oversaw the study, that vegetables and their colorful cousins, fruits, as one participant commented, "suck ass".

"I've been telling my parents that ever since I can remember," said David 'Davie' Miller, a young boy, "Cooked carrots, creamed corn, broccoli are all icky! I don't know how adults manage to eat them without barfing."

Davie Miller's father agrees. The man, known only as Larry X, admitted that he doesn't like veggies either. "Blech!" he said, "To be honest, I hide them under the edge of my plate until the wife isn't looking. Then I put them in a pocket and dash off to the bathroom, where I flush the mushy bastards."

"This discovery has knocked a big chunk out of the center of the 'food pyramid'." said a USDA representative, "The 'good for you' nature of veggies simply isn't enough to overcome the general feeling of nausea that accompanies their consumption."

Videotape of the field study shows its participants faced with a choice between boiled carrots and anything else. More than ninety-percent consistently chose anything else, whether it be reruns of Roseanne, a knee in the groin, or naked pictures of Grandma.

When given a choice between boiled carrots and a hamburger over 9 out of 10 people picked the burger. Even this guy, who should probably pick the burger a little less often. Seriously. We're worried about him.

"I'm not surprised." remarked Dr. Julius Romero, head of the study, "Boiled carrots are all mushy and they taste like shit. Raw carrots are okay, maybe even delicious on those occasions when you are out of chips and too stoned to drive. But boiled veggies specifically, and non-meat based foods in general are, as the study has proven, gross."

However, some people dispute the conclusion of the study. Rainbow Sunshine, an eighty-seven pound vegetarian with virtually transparent skin and an inability to grow even rudimentary body hair, had this to say, "Vegetables are nature's treasure. They're, like, all goodness and stuff. I, for one, only eat vegetables and fruits."

"The vegan way means that our sister, the majestic cow..." Rainbow paused momentarily, stooping to tighten the thong laces on her leather shoes, "...can run free, man. One with the forest, free of predators. Just like nature intended."

Rainbow closed by saying, "Except cauliflower. I can't <expletive> stand that shit!"

While the fallout from this study is expected to lead to the reorganization of the United States Department of Agriculture's 'food pyramid', not everyone plans to change with it.

"Eat your beets!" chimed Mom, "Case closed."

Case closed, indeed.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.