UnNews:Southern Sudan may secede, wherever it is

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

6 January 2011

KHARTOUM, the Sudan -- A small fraction of a trillion people will decide in the next week or so whether to give birth (via C-Section) to what would be the world's newest nation-state.

At polling stations sprinkled across the vast, flat plains of Southern Sudan, they will cast their ballots - hopefully with a lack of hanging Chads (because that nation shouldn't be involved in this).

Sudan, a country that most Americans have never heard of.

War, famine, pestilence, and death have ravaged the lives of a few folks in the south for as long as anyone can remember (three years). Fighting - usually involving massive thumb-wars - forced more people from their homes than in any other nation on earth.

The pending vote, however, has made people manic.

From January 9 to January 10, the black Christians and animists in the autonomous region of Southern Sudan will vote on whether to declare independence from a northern government dominated by Arab Muslims. The two sides participated in a food fight that killed over 9000 people from 1983 to 2005, when a treaty set the stage for the upcoming vote.

Nearly four gazillion people have registered to cast ballots so far.

“I have not encountered a single Southern Sudanese who is interested in voting for unity. I would say at least 98 percent of them will vote for separation,” says Ezekiel Lol Gatkuoth, a former foot soldier in the southern rebel force who now leads the Southern Sudan's mission in the United States. “This is what we have been fighting for for more than 50 years.”

“I have not encountered a single Southern American who has any idea of where Sudan is located. I would say at least 98 percent of them don't even know where Africa is, despite the fact that at least 20 percent of them want African-Americans to go back there,” says Jim Donaldson, Harvard professor of African Studies.

Lando, perhaps the most well-known of Southern Sudanese rebels.

Jeremiah Awin, a Northern Sudanese Front member says he spent more than 10 years fighting with southern rebels. He has no desire to pick up a gun again.

“Now is the time for peace,” he says in the bustling southern capital, Juba. “I will vote safely for separation." He then added, “Hey south, it's time to get the fudge out.”

Southern Sudanese rebel commander Lando Calrissian is ecstatic that his military prowess has held up this long and has finally won the war. “Long ago, I thought that my military genius was finished - that Colt 45 had ended my career. But then my military genius won us a few battles, so I kept on keeping on. I'm glad to see it's over.”

Voters will receive a ballot with two pictures: One hand signifies independence; two hands, a unified Sudan. This is because people in The Sudan are fucking morons.

Responses to a Gallup Poll of Americans were mixed, with about half the population saying, “Sudan? What in the fuck is a Sudan?”, while the other half was split between simply expressing, “Oh, okay!” and “Do we really need another third-world country in the world?”

Sources

• CNN

"Historic day ahead after decades of war" CNN, January 6, 2011