UnNews:Something on Uncyclopedia taken from The Onion again
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 March 2007
CELL BLOCK D, New York State Penitentiary -- Reports came in Monday that wiki site Uncyclopedia had taken yet another joke from well-trusted newspaper, The Onion. This information has come into light and reactions indicate people don't really give a shit. Officials told this reporter to "Piss off" and "Go to the asylum" as this shocking information came in from an UnNews article reporting that coffee chain Starbucks was planning world domination. This reporter knows from his totally normal and not weird in one bit The Onion collection that this is extremely similar to a 2000 article saying that the chain had gone into 'Phase two' of world domination plans.
To find out the scoop on this blatant plagiarism UnNews went to The Onion headquarters to get their thoughts on the news. First up on my interviews was the president of the company. I engaged him in a chat by asking him what he thought of the website Uncyclopedia. He responded with a "What the hell are you talking about". This interesting response forced me to interrogate him further. I asked him if he was aware of the ongoing plagiarism crisis, and he cooly answered "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises." UnNews was just getting started with the story so I asked him if I could speak to the author of the 2000 article. The nonchalant man replied with a single word, "Security".
After two scary heavyset men who refused to answer my questions dragged me into the street, I decided to carry this investigation to my local Starbucks. "Welcome to Starbucks, what would you like?" menacingly said the woman behind the counter. "I'll be asking the questions here lady". I asked her to get on the ground and reveal her employer's domination plans. "Pardon?" she asked as if she didn't hear me. "You heard me sweetheart, get on the ground now." The ditz just stood there smiling, "Sir, just tell me what kind of coffee you would like." I slowly reached into my back pocket and took out a realistic looking water gun. The lady screamed and started crying. I heard her dialing and whispering in a distressed tone. "AHA!" I said. "Trying to get the company to stop me from uncovering the truth, eh?! Well your slippery moves won't work on THIS reporter!" I unleashed the trigger's force and sprayed her to oblivion! I cackled as I found out the truth.
A siren was heard coming in from the distance. Seven uniformed men told me to get on the ground face down, and I simply told them that they should be on the ground instead. The Starbucks insiders kicked me and held me down, putting metal bracelets of evil around my wrists. They dragged me to a car and told me Miranda rights, as if I was a criminal. This reporter cried out one last attempt to reveal the truth, but the Starbucks operatives escorted me to a torturous chamber. UnNews is releasing my report from this cushiony white room that I'm in with the utmost secrecy. So, UnNews would appreciate it if its partner stopped taking stuff from The Onion.
