UnNews:Six-year-old girl denies "slut claim"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 April 2007

In happier times: West Coast midfielder Adam Selwood last week.

PERTH, Australia. GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- THE six-year-old daughter of Fremantle Dockers Australian Rules football star Des Headland today denied being a slut and having had penetrative sexual intercourse with West Coast Eagles midfielder Adam Selwood.

"Yuck! Boys are gross. I think willies (penises) are disgusting," said the girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons. "I don't think I ever met Adam, but if he ever pulled his willy out at me I would just run away like my Mum told me to. And tell a policeman."

The six-year-old unwittingly found herself at the centre of a storm of controversy last weekend after Selwood, 22, allegedly told Headland that she was a slut and that "I fucked her last night" during the Eagles' 31-point victory over the Dockers at Subiaco Oval.

Headland, 25, is due to face the AFL tribunal this week on one count of Repeatedly Going the Knuckle on Selwood.

Headland's daughter declined to undergo a medieval-style gynaecological examination of the kind endured by posh tarts who hope to marry into the British royal family to determine whether her hymen was still intact.

"Like a lot of active young girls my age, I have endured non-sexual genital trauma at various points," said the adorable munchkin, who lists her hobbies as dancing, skipping and singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror.

"There was the time I stacked (crashed) my bike into a telephone pole and split myself open from arsehole to breakfast, and then the time (Shetland pony) Sky shied at a king brown (snake) and threw me on to a fence post."

In other sledging-related football news, a Melbourne magistrate gave the all-clear to suburban and country footballers to racially abuse and physically assault Jews on the street.

"You gotta have one kitchen for meat and another one for cheese? They've gotta be fuckin' kidding, don't they?" Magistrate Henry Bullfrog said in handing down his judgement. "Go eat a cheeseburger, you beardy cunts."

Sources

• Jimi Hendrix "She's a little root rat" The Age, April 18, 2007

• Jimi Hendrix "Jew want a punch in the mouth?" The Age, April 18, 2007