UnNews:Scientists Panic after the Digestion Simulator goes Berserk

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 November 2006

The stomach is controlled by Vista Enabled computer

LONDON , England - Just a few days after the invention of the Artificial Digestion Simulator which was hailed as the most ingenious and impractical device since the discovery of Smart Bedsheeets, things at the The Institute of Faecal Research went berserk. It mimics both the physical and chemical reactions that take place during digestion - and can even defecate and ruminate. Under normal circumstances the Device was supposed to release the Faeces through an Aperture situated three inches below the artificial Pubic Hair, but due to the negligence of an employee Hell broke loose in the Research Laboratory when the machine became uncapable of choosing which hole to let loose. Earlier it was claimed the device, made from sophisticated saurian Intestines and flower Petals, can withstand the corrosive gut acids and enzymes, and can be fed real food.At the time of the disasater when they were simulating the trajectory of Semidigested food in a Country Guitarist performing live, One of the Operators who was having a cold apparently, accidentally fed the engine a Bottle of Codeine during the course of experiment.He realised his mistake later when the Machine kept on bugging him for some cigarettes and Cannabis. In his Own Words "I was there smoking my cigarette and minding my own business and all of a sudden He started crapping all over the place with no respect to the Constipational properties of Codeine and started arguing with me that his processor can enable him to eat even the faecal matter and so he is superior and all that crap". When the Police Gunned him down and performed the mandatory Autopsy it's been revealed that he watched Southpark the day before the incident and must have probably conspired to repeat the affectations in the laboratory.But there are others who point out the Codeine Incident and proposed Codeine to have instigated it's consciousness to find out it's gender and in the process he just went crazy.

Primary Suspect

Armed with this knowledge, currently they plan to upgrade the processor to simulate the feacal habits of Orangutans.

Dr Dickham said: "Our knowledge of what actually happens in the gut is still very rudimentary, but we hope that this model can help fill in some of the blanks."

Dr Dickham hoped his model would help scientists understand more about the flexing of Rectal Muscles, and the whole process of food getting converted to crap and was devastated at the filth.

Dr Peter Pooks, a biocaprophagal expert at King's College London, said: "This is an important tool that will allow us to understand how Pubes contribute to the smooth feacal flow, which has essentially been like a black box until recently."

"This model is important because it gets the signs of digestion dregs right. It even smells the same"

Dr Stephen Bloom, head of metabolic medicine at Imperial College in London, agreed the model could be useful - but warned that it might have limitations.

He said: "The stomach is an extraordinarily complex organ, so you cannot create a model that will undertake all of these functions for example feeling euphoric after ingesting Prescription Drugs and Belly Dancing"

Citing the fact that a Vista enabled Computer was used to control how long food remains in a particular part of the stomach, and the release of the gut secretions it could also have contributed to the mishap pointed out a bunch of Opensource Evangelists.

The artificial gut is already attracting commercial attention, with one company wanting to test how the texture of the shit coming out is related to the number of Consumer Products One has.

Another group wants to determine if soil contaminants, which could potentially be swallowed by children playing Counterstrike, get absorbed into the human feaces.

Sources

• "Scientists create artificial gut" BBC News, November 10, 2006