UnNews:Scientist swallowed by whale, survived undigested
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 October 2009
SKANK HARBOR, New Hampshire -- A research vessel lost a man overboard last Thursday off the coast of Maine while tracking migrating whales. Dr. Prometheus Haphazard lost his footing while preparing a remote robotic submarine for its maiden voyage, and fell into the sea. Remarkably, a blue whale accidentally swallowed him whole (remarkable because blue whales eat mostly tiny krill and zooplankton), only to poop him out this morning, enmeshed in a gigantic turd.
Dr. Haphazard has worked for the Courtney Loves Hole Marine Institute as both a nautical engineer and lead scientist. His work with robotics and marine biology has broken new ground.
He's certainly on the cutting edge as the first man to travel through a whale's digestive tract and survive.
"When he went over, I thought, we'd be able to pick him up easy. Seas were calm, not much of a wind... no problem. Then I saw the whale come up and sort of bump into him. Must have opened his mouth in surprise, cause you know, they mostly eat small stuff... then in he went," said first mate Al Capcasin of the research vessel Kielbasa.
"Somehow he got by those crushing baleen plates[1] and was swallowed whole," said ships biologist Kelly Aficionado.
The Coast Guard was able to track him by his cell phone signal, and a small flotilla followed the pod of seven whales until this morning, when he was freed from his captivity, and floated to the surface in a gigantic turd. USCG helicopters airlifted him and his temporary turd tomb to St. Alphonso's Pancake Breakfast & Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire.
There he was extricated, and is being treated for hypothermia, septicemia and an awful stench. Doctors expect he will make a full recovery.
The crap that was scraped off him is being examined at the Institute. (see also; McDonalds.)
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Alberta Signatory "Tale of a modern Jonah" The New Torker, October 27, 2009
- ↑ Wikipedia: The whale feeds by lunging forward at groups of krill, taking the animals and a large quantity of water into its mouth. The water is then squeezed out through the baleen plates by pressure from the ventral pouch and tongue. Once the mouth is clear of water, the remaining krill, unable to pass through the plates, are swallowed.