UnNews:Sausage a day causes cancer
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 April 2008
CUCAMONGA, California -- Specialists have confirmed that eating just one sausage per day can increase the risk of cancer by 20% or turn your toenails green. The now dubbed "Cancer logs" contain massive amounts of cancer. Experts believe this swine cancer has a high probability of becoming the first airborn strain of the disease, bringing new meaning to the saying "When pigs with cancer fly".
Bowel cancer claims 16,000 fat lives a year in Britain alone. According to a survey only 1 in 3 overweight people are aware of the dangers of this putrid pork. This frightening statistic has lead to people taking advantage of this cancerous conundrum. Men have been seen driving around areas such as schools and playgrounds offering their "Brown meat" to children.
Parents should watch out for these pig prostitutes and listen out for other names they may offer pork under.
- Savoury Swine
- Slippery saliferous cylinder
- phallic frappe
- Papa's pungent pork
Professor Martin Wiseman, a man at the forefront of the research into this deadly ham, said "The evidence is that whether you are talking about bacon, ham or pastrami, the safest amount to eat is none at all." Outrage sparked within the meat community and mass demonstrations of "Pork Power" could be seen up and down the country and pigs were observed holding banners saying, "Please turn vegetarian".
Sausages, hamburgers and mince fall into the bracket if they have been preserved with salt or chemical additives. McDonalds, a well known provider of processed meat products, has gone on record as saying "If you believe that you must be a fucking retard. Who's ever heard of a sausage killing somebody? shut up."
The survey also stated "Processed meats may also trigger cancer in the prostate, lung, stomach and oesophagus" McDonalds had this to say "Lung cancer? A sausage? What are you breathing them in? Shut up."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- sometwat "Sausage a day causes cancer" Alaska Tropic Publications, April 9, 2008