UnNews:Russia denies indoctrinating polar bears
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 August 2007
Moscow, Russian Federation (UnNews) -- The Russian President Vladimir Putin today angrily denied his country’s recent mission to the North Pole involved indoctrinating the region’s polar bears with communism in preparation for a complete takeover.
The President told our UnNews reporter, “Our country is not interested in colonising the North Pole. We have enough oil and mineral resources to last us until we finally win the Cold War. Besides, the North Pole is colder than a Bolshevik’s ball bag and there is no vodka available.”
Putin’s remarks relate to the recent visit of the Russian deep-water submarine Kursk to the region. Led by Commander Arthur Chipolata, a direct descendant of Captain Nemo, the mission was ostensibly intended to plant a Russian flag on the seabed. Rumours have since circulated that the Soviets intend to annex the North Pole as a backdoor route to world domination without the need to use costly nuclear weapons.
Russia is not the only country making moves to secure possession of the North Pole ahead of the 2010 United Nations commission to decide the future of the area. Canada has offered free English and French lessons to all the local Eskimos whilst the Danes, well-known for their sense of humour, are promising all North Pole residents a free copy of Linux.
Nigel Titfrotter, the Greenpeace spokesman responsible for Penguin and Polar Bear Relations said, “We are opposed to the ethnic cleansing of any minority regardless of their creed, colour or type of government.” The remark drew an immediate response from a well-known Russian politician who said, “What?”
