UnNews:Rick Scarborough to Unleash Jesus

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26 July 2012

Big J works on his footwork with the aid of his dedicated coach, Lady Blitheringly-Yeast, who was flown in from the Victorian age.

BIBLE BELT, Jesusistucky, United States of Jesusland --

Rick Scarborough of Vision America, self-appointed promoter of Jesus "Big J" Christ, gave a press conference earlier today to announce his contestant's imminent return to the ring, timed to coincide with the US Presidential Elections.

Said Scarborough, "Oh man, Big J has been in training for a long time for this unleashing. He’s been doing wrist-only pull-ups, jogging on water, eating a carefully designed diet of loaves and fishes, turning water into "OOH FUCK YEAH!!"-brand isotonic energy drink, all that jazz."

Sports fans will doubtless recall that Big J is the underdog who took out Zeus, Odin, Jupiter, and who knows how many other contenders to take the Title. Sure, it’s been a few centuries since the big rumble when he took the thorny crown, but frankly, none of today’s contenders have the street-brawl ruthlessness the J-man brings to the fight. Sure, Mo talks a good talk and can throw his weight around with the little guys, but even he can’t take the J head on.

No, the only way to fight him is to fight smart.

Charles “the Taxonomist” Darwin has been lurking around the fringes of the sport for a couple of centuries now, working up on smaller opponents and making a name for himself. He’s not a heavyweight bruiser like Big J, but he’s a master of theory – he’s been studying and categorizing his opponents, and lately he’s been making huge strides in predicting punches he’s never even seen before. Fans say he has such a smart routine he can already dance rings around the J’s clumsy swings. The more time J gives him, the more time he’ll have to bulk up, build a bigger base of fans to promote him. The more time he has to perfect his theory, the harder the knockout blow is going to be.

That’s one fight you’re going to want to pay-per-view.

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