UnNews:Republican Party Homophobic

The Party of Abraham Lincoln has never strayed from its original path at any point in history, until just now.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

CLEVELAND, OH — The United States Republican Party, which until July of 2016 had been an intersectional coalition of marginalized people advocating justice for the underprivileged, has shocked the world by adopting a homophobic platform.

This unprecedented move has disrupted the entire balance of the American political system, throwing society into chaos. All business in the city of Washington, DC has ground to a halt, and President Obama has declared a state of emergency as the country tries to decide how best to react to the shock of this unanticipated phenomenon.

In a televised statement, the President communicated his surprise. "Now, I know that change sometimes happens in American politics," he said. "My grandmother told me this when I was a child. But I never thought I would see the day when it would actually happen. If you had told me eight years ago that things were going to change, I would have thought you were very gullible."

Due to the uncertainty that has been created by the GOP's policy change, the DOW and NASDAQ have plummeted. Wall Street insider Richard Pennybags told UnNews, "There is no telling what the country's future will be like. I am waiting for an afternoon meeting with the Quantum Mechanics department of Princeton University to decide my next move."

Best-selling author David McCullough has convened a meeting of historians to discuss how the Republicans could have possibly become homophobic, given the history of our country. "This has never happened before," he said. "Even the field of history will have to change its fundamental underlying methodology."

Upon learning the news that the Republican Party wasn't too keen on gay people, the entire population of the world shit their pants at the same time, releasing enough methane into the atmosphere to raise sea levels to cataclysmic heights. The world is now predicted to have until February of 2017, after which point the entire human race will become extinct. Many Americans are taking this opportunity to vote for Jill Stein, "because the world is coming to an end anyway, so fuck it."

When asked to comment on this news, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton was very clear on her position. "I am, and have always been, against bad things," she told UnNews. "I have been against bad things my whole life, and I have spent my whole life fighting for good things. When I am President, bad things will never happen, and only good things will happen. America has had too many bad things happen already for people like Donald Trump to come and do more bad things."

Source

1. Kazimiera, "Log Cabin Republican President: GOP passed most anti-LGBT platform in party history" CNN, July 14, 2016
2. Kazimiera, "David McCullough on Trump: 'Vulgar, Mean-Spirited, Unhinged'" CNN, July 13, 2016