UnNews:Police seize $37 billion cash in Federal Reserve Bank raid

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The Federal Reserve Bank Building of San Fransisco: one of the largest bank buildings in the entire United States. Nobody knew what unbelievable chicanery was going on behind closed doors, until this very morning.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

SAN FRANSISCO, CALIFORNIA: Acting on consumer tips and long-held suspicions of possession of large quantities of US currency by the Federal Reserve Bank in San Fransisco, California State Police conducted a massive early-morning raid early this morning. The amount of money found in the bank's vault alone was approximately 37 billion dollars ($37,000,000,000), mostly in the form of $100 Federal Reserve Notes.

One such piece of suspicious currency showed up about six months ago at a local candy store with hand-written markings reading "To my second-favorite grandson on his 9th birthday!", apparently some sort of secret code indicative of illegal activities. After the store owner panicked and alerted the authorities, investigators successfully traced the bill back to the bank of issue by decoding a prominent letter "L" printed on its front side. This one and only piece of tangible evidence was all they needed to successfully extract a warrant of invasion and broad discretionary powers from Governor Newsom (D, California) over his strenuous objections.

The raid was initiated when an undercover detective passed a hand-written note to a bank teller with the cryptic message "Hey hotstuff, wanna show me yer juicy boobs?". This caused a flurry of nervous activity behind the counter, which was sufficient distraction for ten squadrons of police cars to surround the building, block off all emergency exits, and infiltrate all points of entry and windows in a massive display of force. Many injuries and severe ink stains were suffered by riot-control officers and employees, but none were life-threatening. Most of the bank's staff were immediately arrested and are currently being held without bail in downtown San Fransisco for charges of money laundering and possession of various items and equipment not normally considered illegal. The bank's president Mary "Bailey" Daly (cup size D++) eluded capture and remains at large.

Some of the enormous piles of money seized by law enforcement agents. Federal Reserve bankers could offer no immediate justification for possessing such huge quantities of cold hard cash.

California Police Chief Fernando Juanito Haciendos (R, Fresno) was flabbergasted by the magnitude of the covert money-stockpiling operation occurring right under everybody's noses. "I for one am flabbergasted at the magnitude of the operation we uncovered", he said. "My God, there were bundles of factory-fresh one-hundred dollar bills everywhere, mostly with the serial numbers still in numerical order. We thought only drug dealers and hard-core pornographers would be capable of having that kind of cash on hand!" Follow-up searches on the premises for illicit drugs were made by a pack of vicious drug-sniffing police dogs, but their findings were inconclusive. An additional search by a pack of vicious porn-sniffing dogs was also attempted, but they all escaped and are currently roaming about the so-called "red-light" district of downtown Bueno Vista.

What with our modern computer-chip-driven economy, United States Federal Reserve bank notes are rarely used for legitimate business transactions these days. A single 100-dollar note alone ("C-note", "Big Benny", or "hundred" in criminalish jargon) has an estimated street value of two grams of purified cocaine, or even as many as twenty Double Whoppers with Cheese. "Very few people can afford Double Whoppers these days", Chief Haciendos explained, "and there is no other good reason that I can imagine for innocent civilians carrying that kind of money around in the first place. I mean, you could be mugged or something!".

The estimated 45 tons of cash is scheduled to be burnt to crispy ashes in industrial-grade incinerators at the privately-owned California Steel Plant in Fontana (the same site where hard-core right-wing book seizures and marijuana seizures are similarly incinerated on a regular basis) to preclude it from falling into the wrong hands.