UnNews:Paris Hilton to be sent to Rwanda

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30 October 2007

Miss Hilton got the job from her unparalleled awareness of her surroundings.

NEW YORK, New York, So Awful They Named It Twice (U! News) — Her trip to Rwanda has been postponed, but P*r*s H*lt*n is still determined to use her celebrity status for good causes, and never mind what the causes in question think.

"I want to travel the world," the 26-year-old celebutarde said in an interview with Extra. "I feel like there's a lot I can do, and a lot I can do to help. I've heard there are even needy people outside Los Angeles. I know! Unbelievable!" Hilton's philanthropic trip to Rwanda is expected to be focused on visits to schools and health care clinics.

An additional effect will be to stave off future genocidal outrages in the beleaguered country. "If there's one thing that can unite battling peoples," said a spokesman for the United Nations, "it's someone they both hate more. Miss Hilton's visit is the best opportunity we've seen so far in this regard."

In scientific tests, exposure of counselors, mediators, experienced diplomats and future Catholic saints to Paris Hilton led to murderous rage in fifteen to thirty seconds. "If we drop her into the worst areas, they should rip her into ten thousand shreds in short order, each fragment being every bit as annoying as the original. Spreading these evenly throughout trouble spots should focus people's hatred nicely and keep them focused on someone who really truly does deserve every horrible thing you can think of, and who will still be too fucking dumb to notice."

Hilton failed to understand all these big words, smiling and nodding throughout. "The charity is doing restructuring and figuring things out," she said. "But I know Rwanda went through a lot of traumatic experiences, and I feel like if I go there, I can help save some people's lives.

"I want kids to know, even if you're 15 or 16 years old, you can do something. Be born rich, leak a sex tape, do your jail sentence in luxury."

Sources

• The entire population of Rwanda "What have I done to deserve this?" The Dangerous Book for Genocidal Children, October 30, 2007