UnNews:Obama recommends dog meat
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 April 2012
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama has recommended adding dog meat to America's school lunch menus and military chow halls. As a child, the president was force-fed Dalmatian steaks that his Indonesian step-and-fetchit transsexual "father" Lanky Lola Soetoro "liberated" from backyards in the ghetto in which he and his extensive extended family maintained their residence, a six-room cardboard mansion in the art deco style. According to Obama's memoirs, Nightmares from My Father: A Story of Race-baiting and Intolerance, in which most of the sentences are grammatically correct, "Lola loved dog. He (or she) especially enjoyed 'purebreds,' although somebody's mutt was more likely than not to be on the menu on any given day," the president admits, "because it was a matter of catch as catch can," and "the better-off peeps who owned the purebreds tended to be more responsible about keeping their animals in their houses or on leashes than the ne'er-do-well homies in the 'hood, whose mutts roamed free."
Besides Dalmatian, which Obama describes as "tough," the president also enjoyed "Mexican chihuahua" ("stringy"), German shepherd ("sour"), and Alaskan malamute" ("not bad with chitlins"). He sees "open borders" as a "cost-effective way of adding such south-of-the-border breeds as the Argentine dogo, the Brazilian terrier, the Brazilian mastiff, and the Peruvian hairless terrier to the U. S.'s already-sizable canine livestock supply." South Americans, "especially Mexicans," have "a lot of delicious, nutritious dogs that they can't maintain well," Obama declares, "and the ones that can't find good homes here in Obamaland--I mean, the United States--can at least provide meals for the underprivileged and homeless populations, thereby reducing the number of inner city food stamp recipients by an appreciable number."
The president believes that those who rely upon school cafeterias and military chow halls would benefit by the inclusion of dog on their menus. "Kids need to eat healthful foods--just ask my wife, Michelle--and canine cuisine is better for them than beef. It's less costly, too--and, rabies aside, who ever heard of mad dog disease? Mad cow? Not that's a different matter altogether!" Military personnel are "real chow hounds," Obama observes, "and a little dog in dogfaces' daily chow just might help to put more bite in their bark." Besides, the president adds, "if dog meat is good enough for me, their commander-in-chief, it's good enough for them!"
However, it seems that it may be harder to get Congress to consider Obama's proposal than the president supposes. Even with the First Lady championing dog meat's virtues, congressmen and senators are well aware of their constituents' fondness for their four-footed friends. "I mean, the president is not talking about hot dogs here," Speaker of the House John Boehner declares, sobbing. Senator John McCain put the matter more bluntly: "In America, man's best friends are not now, and never will be, on the menu, not even for the president."
Even some members of the president's own party are against Obama's recommendation that dog meat be included in Americans' daily diets. "If he wants to eat dogs," deposed speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says, "let him go back to Indonesia." Senator Diane Feinstein, likewise, contends, "If his recommendation were to become law, the United States wouldn't be a fit place for man or beast!"
For his part, Obama pledges to fight on. "Next month, Michelle is publishing a new dog-eat-dog cookbook," the president says. "We plan to introduce dog meat in dogs' diets first and work our way up to kids and military personnel." The president has even suggested a slogan for his campaign to incorporate Fido in America's food: "Dog: it's not just for horses, anymore!"