UnNews:Obama Celebrates Senate Vote, Issues Executive Order
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 March 2012
Washington D.C. - President Barak Obama (praise be unto his name) plans to hold a celebration tonight to mark the defeat of a Senate bill that would have allowed religious groups to opt out of an Obama Care (praise be unto this most holy policy) mandating that they pay for contraceptives and abortion. He will host a toga party aboard Air Force One to mark this most auspicious occasion. At a White House press conference, Chief of Staff Jacob Lew (blessings be upon the messenger of Obama) announced that Air Force One would take off form Andrews Air Force Base for a four-hour party, which anyone who voted to table the measure is invited to attend.
“The party,” said Lew, “will begin at 8:00 PM sharp. Attendees must be on board by 7:40 PM. All attendees may bring up to four guests, and if any unplanned pregnancies occur during the course of the party, happily, abortions will be covered by the tax payer.”
The cost of the party, about $181,757 per hour, will also be footed by the tax payers. When asked about the cost to the citizens for the party, Lew replied, “Who cares? With the trillions we have spent so far, a few hundred thousand dollars isn’t even a drop in the ocean.”
Speaking on the defeat of the bill, President Obama stated, “It is clear to me that the best interests of the nation have been served. Forcing people to pay money to support things they find morally objectionable is a pillar of my presidency that I cannot and will not forsake. I am certain the Founding Fathers would support me on this. When the Founding Fathers fled to the New World, they did not come here seeking the freedom of religion, they came here seeking the freedom to screw whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted, however they wanted, and as often as they wanted…and they wanted to force everyone else to pay for the consequences of their choices. Freedom of religion is not really what this nation was founded on. This country was founded on women's’ rights!”
“I am here to correct the history books,” Obama continued. “Our forefathers did not want freedom of religion. They wanted freedom from oppression, and it is oppressive to force people to take responsibility for their own choices. I will no longer tolerate this! This is why I am issuing an executive order that outlaws all religion that preaches anything contrary to my opinions. All people will praise only me! I am the new savior, and every person who resides in this great nation will be ordered to join the Church of Obama. I will end all dissention. I will end all conflicts of opinion. I will save this nation!”
“Now, there may be some few who may oppose me on this. Anyone who dares oppose me, will be executed, or deported to Guantanamo, except for the physically attractive ones who will become forced national concubines. We will no longer tolerate oppression in this country, and those who have for so long supported oppression will be eliminated!”
The speech, which received vast support from the majority of the population of the United States, will be enshrined in the National Archives, in place of the Constitution, which will be tossed in a nearby dumpster.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/02/12/obama-chief-staff-no-more-compromise-contraceptive-rule-is-done-deal/ Obama chief of staff: No more compromise, contraceptive rule is done deal, FoxNews.com