UnNews:Obama: should he be committed?
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 June 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – According to insiders, First Lady Michelle Obama is “secretly worried” about the president's mental health. “Sometimes, he thinks he's acomedian,” she said, “and sometimes he believes he's the commander-in-chief, and he frequently gets these imaginary roles confused. As a result, he makes jokes at inappropriate times.” For example, her confidantes declared, “Recently, the president said that, in the worst economy since the Great Depression, 'the private sector is doing fine.'”
At the White House Correspondents' Dinner, the administration's annual payoff to reporters for positive, if unfair and unbalanced, coverage of the presidency, Obama auditioned as a stand-up comedian. “His jokes certainly weren't funny,” the First Lady admitted, “but at least they were delivered on an appropriate occasion: he was dining with representatives of the media, who always enjoy the antics of a clown.”
During his campaign, however, Obama referred to his visits to “fifty-seven states,” when, at last count, there are only fifty, geographers and historians insist. More recently, he outed himself on national television as a homosexual who champions gay rights. A few days ago, he referred to his rival in the upcoming presidential election as “George,” rather than as Mitt, Romney. George was Mitt's father and has been deceased now for years. “It's as though my husband believes he's running against a dead man, a political zombie,” the First Lady said, sobbing.
One of the president’s aides fears, privately, that he may be “losing it.” Obama’s campaign guru, David Axelrod, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “The office of the president demands enormous responsibility and requires rock-solid decision-making abilities. I’m afraid that the president lacks in both areas. After all, before assuming the mantle of the presidency, he was a nobody, a community organizer. He’s in over his head and, it is quite clear, that he is losing his head as a result.”
Obama claims that he has created millions of jobs, but employment statistics continue to plummet. He says that the states have “cruelly cut expenditures by cutting entitlements,” although most of the public--and many of his own potential constituents--believe that no one is “entitled” to welfare or other government-sponsored “income redistribution.” Nor do most people side with the president’s claim that they should pay more and higher taxes to finance the massive debt that he and his predecessor, George W. Bush, have amassed.
“He’s out of touch with reality,” the First Lady said. She believes that his recent confession of homosexuality has backfired on him. “Instead of making him more popular among Americans, it has made him a pariah; only among gay men has his popularity risen, if you know what I mean.” In general, the American people regard him as a “sissy” and a “pansy,“ insiders have confirmed. Next to his sexual orientation, the economy is the president’s greatest political weakness, the First Lady said, “but he seems to think it’s rich people.”
“He’s not only out of touch with reality,” Romney said, concerning Obama’s recent claim that the private sector is ’doing fine,” “but he’s also out of touch with the American people.”
The president has since sought to explain away clarify his remark. “The economy is not doing fine,” he said. “The Martians need to join NAFTA, and the cockroach on my necktie looks like a tie tack, albeit a tacky one. I am looking forward to servicing my gay constituents in the next millennium, aboard the mother ship.”
Reportedly, the First Lady is considering having her husband committed, “for the good of the country and, frankly, because he's an embarrassment to me and his daughters.” The only reason, so far, that she has not done so, she said, is Joe Biden. “He's just as gay and daffy as Barack.”