UnNews:Norwegian man has himself flayed

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21 October 2009

Flayed himself to repel Vegans.

BERGEN, Norway -- An insane man had himself flayed by weasels today in an effort to, "keep those crazy-assed Vegans and health weirdos away from me!". Par Rasmussen, a former elite commando and current power lifting contender for the Norwegian Olympic team, appeared in public for the first time since his publicist suggested the idea.

"Par has been getting harassed by roving bands of Vegans, and organic farming enthusiasts because he's worked himself into such a large slab of meat; this is abhorrent to all Scandinavians", said Rasmussens manager and publicist Nabisco Cranium.

"It scares the hell out of us," said one meat-free Oslo man. "Ugh! All of that disgusting man-meat bulging all over the place!"

A Zim Buddhist monk since 1996, the athlete developed a strict but bizarre regimen, consuming huge amounts of venison, capybara and saffron rice. His workouts consist of chasing, killing, field dressing, and cooking his meat animals. Twice a week he practices sitting Zim meditation and lifts buildings.

Last week, while under the influence of Dotay, a designer hallucinogenic-steroid, Rasmussen bought every Frank Zappa album he could lay his hands on and listened to them while working out 17 hours a day in solitude. The album titled "Weasels Ripped My Flesh!" caught his attention, and he retired to his private Zimdo to contemplate its significance.

This morning he purchased five weasels, antagonized them for about a half hour, then allowed the creatures to ravenously chew off his flesh, as he listened to Metalocalypse.

During his afternoon run he was bothered by no one. No one at all.

Sources

• Manny Rivera "Flayed by weasels, this must be the toughest man alive" Life, October 21, 2009