UnNews:New storm approaches as Vancouver remains under "drink beer" advisory
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 November 2006
VANSTERDAM, Dutch Columbia, Canadialand — The Vansterdam Coastal Health Authority issued a warning to almost one million people in Vansterdam putting them under a "drink beer, not water" advisory. Wednesday's storm triggered severe landslides in the region's reservoirs, filling them with icky murky crap. The restriction was partially lifted on Friday, but residents are still being advised to drink only bottled products of a suitably sterilising alcohol content rather than water.
The advisory is mandatory for hospitals, daycares, and other public facilities, and is in effect until further notice. "Good whisky certainly calms the little brats down like nothing else, especially with opium added," said Dr Peristalsis Daily, the region's Chief Medical Health Officer. "If it was good enough for the Victorians it's good enough for the rest of BC. If people ask, I'm telling them: drink beer, not water. And not Budweiser, that counts as water. And certainly does not constitute being as Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
Commercial operations were affected as well. Food stores were ordered to turn off produce sprayers used to cool vegetables and use vodka instead, and restaurants had to stop serving food without three shots of strong liquor. Many of Vansterdam's hundreds of coffee shops were the site of drunken as well as the usual stoned revelry.
A new storm is predicted to hit the region on Sunday, although it is not expected to be as severe. "We have some real fears here with electrical problems," said Captain Rob Jones Cook of the Vansterdam Fire Department. "Bars may have to serve their health-giving products by candlelight."
The beer bust is the largest in Canadian history.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Antoinette, M. "Let them gargle champagne" British Columbian Fine Piss Lager Guide, November 16, 2006