UnNews:Navy initiates recruitment drive
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 August 2012
SOMEWHERE IN THE PACIFIC – In a never-ending effort to boost recruiting rates, the military services continue to deploy employ innovative approaches to get otherwise sane young men to sign their lives away on the dotted line. (Enough apparently sane young women have already enlisted to service serve the military brass' needs for the foreseeable future, it seems.)
The Army allows female soldiers to breastfeed in public. The Marine Corps permits Marines to march in gay parades. The Air Farce includes a rainbow combat badge exclusively for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender airmen, to signify their service to their country. Now, the Navy has joined the other branches (except for the Coast Guard) in using innovative approaches to attract male, as opposed to female and transsexual, sailors.
According to Admiral Ima Dick, the Navy has “retrofitted some aircraft carriers,” equipping the ships with a hotel-casino that rivals anything on the Las Vegas Strip. “We expect our boys to gamble their lives in combat,” Admiral Dick said. “We believe we should let them gamble during rest and relaxation periods.”
In addition, “the carriers boast two swimming pools, one with a waterfall; a wrap-around balcony that surrounds the deck amidships; a helipad, for V. I. P.'s, including celebrity performers whom the Navy engages to entertain swabbies; a matching pair of conventional. 150-foot yachts; valet parking facilities; an 18-hole golf course amid towering palm trees; and a host of other amenities,” Admiral Dick said. “We're particularly proud of our Oasis on the Streets of Monaco, a lavishly landscaped plaza that features upper pools that cascade into a lagoon surrounded by Jacuzzis.”
“We think young men would rather kick it in these lush, plush surroundings than watch some soldier breastfeed her brats, some jarhead march in a gay pride parade, or some flyboy get pinned with a rainbow badge,” Admiral Dick said.
The ships also feature an “optional, detachable volcano,” she observed.
If enlistment rates are any indication, the admiral is correct: Navy recruitment is greater than that of all the other military branches combined.
“When it comes to our men in uniform,” Admiral Dick said, “no expense is too great, especially when civilian taxpayers are footing most of the bill.” President Barack Obama agrees, she said. “In fact, as commander-in-chief, he and his family often enjoy their vacations aboard one or another of the Navy's six converted aircraft carriers.”
The only drawback is that there is no longer any room for the combat aircraft that the ships used to carry. “You can't have everything,” Admiral Dick said. “The Navy has chosen morale over combat readiness, and we think we've made the right decision.”
“The Army may offer tits, the Marine Corps, gay pride, and the Air Farce rainbow badges, but the Navy is the only military service that lets its recruits see the world in style,” Admiral Dick declared.