UnNews:NSA bored with your conversations

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 November 2007

FORT MEADE, Maryland -- Agents in the highly-secretive wiretapping division of the National Security Agency, also highly-secretive, really wish that you would spice up your phone conversations.

"We're a taxpayer funded organization." says NSA director Lt. Gen. Keith B. Alexander. "In order for us to provide value for your tax dollars you're going to have to loosen up on the phone."

Don't worry, citizen, that heavy breathing comes from a duly appointed agent of the NSA. Use your husky voice. Now purr. Ah, that's the stuff...

The NSA, whose annual budget is classified, spends what some refer to as "...an assload of money just to listen to you bicker with your ex-wife." Others prefer to call this assload of money "a whole bunch" just in case there are children listening. NSA documents acquired via the Freedom of Information Act reveal that there are, in fact, children listening. These children are employees of NSA Jr., a sub-department of the NSA whose budget is also classified, but rumoured to be a somewhat smaller assload of money. Analysts who cover NSA Jr. don't have to soften their budget-analysing speech, as the Baby NSA program, which uses newborns to spy on those who predict the budget of the children who spy on those who predict the budget of the adults who spy on you, has not yet been stood up. A cursory analysis indicates that the Baby NSA department's budget will be an even smaller, and potentially adorable, assload of money.

"You can't pinch pennies when you're trying to catch Al Qaeda," continues Lt. Gen. Alexander "and you definitely can't skimp when you're trying to filter through millions of phone calls for the few saucy ones where people admit how horny they are when they are told by the people on the other end of the line just exactly what they are wearing. We're fighting a war, here."

"If you really want to help us, and as good Americans you do," interjected NSA Deputy Director Mr. John Inglis, "all you have do to is preface every phone call with a quick summary of what you are about to talk about. Keep it simple; start out with your exact location, followed by a quick physical description of yourself, then move on to a terse summary of the planned conversation, like 'I am going to bomb New York', or 'Honey, I am so hot for you right now', or perhaps something about the temperature and moistness of your nether regions. Here at the NSA we're concerned with the safety of the Free World. As such it's vital that we know what you are going to blow up or what type of underwear you are slowly sliding down your silken legs and just how erect your tight pink nipples are."

The United States of America, aided by Australia, Canada, New Zealand and the United Kingdom, operates ECHELON, a widely-known top secret program that intercepts a wide variety of electronic communications worldwide. While details on the system are clouded by bafflegab, obfuscation and misinformation, it is known that the system scours telephone conversations and e-mail messages for terrorist codewords for things like "bombs", "bombing" and "bombers". Commonly used codewords for these things include "breasts", "lingerie" and "booty call".

"And stop calling your parents. We're tired of uncomfortable conversations with your mother about your continuing failure to provide her with grandchildren, and we simply don't want to hear your father lazily inquire about how your car is running. Just because we don't need a warrant to listen to your conversations doesn't mean that we're spying on you just for kicks. That would be sick. Now, tell the person you're calling what you're wearing." closed Agent X, a data-mining operative, bottle of lotion at hand.

Sources

• B. Brother "Privacy Shmivacy" the internets, November 11, 2007

• B. Brother Jr. "Rights Shmights" the internets, December 6, 2007