UnNews:Mars remains mysteriously boring

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 September 2006

Mars rocks, dust, and sand dunes. Whoop-dee-frickin-doo.

PASADENA, California -- NASA officials and scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that in spite of repeated efforts, Mars remains and is likely to remain incredibly fucking boring, with the most exciting thing happening being the two still-functioning rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, making tracks in the dust.

"Honestly, there really isn't jack shit going on up there," said mission director, Martin Nacient. "There's just miles and miles of empty sand and rocks we've basically looked at literally a thousand times."

Much of the tedium related to Mars is a result of the surprising longevity of the rovers, which were supposed to survive for less than a year, and which are now nearly 1,000 years old, or seem like it, anyway. The rovers were only designed to perform a few very specific functions, and essentially have now run out of interesting things to do.

Mission specialist and geologist, Suzanne Rice, never expected the mission to last as long as it has. "I need to get on with my life," she said. "Once you've drilled into like your 50th Martian rock and found nothing, it starts to lose its thrill. I have other job offers and one of these days, I'm outta here."

The primary goals of the rover missions, to find evidence of past surface water that could have possibly harbored life, were accomplished so long ago people barely remember it. Now all they do is drive the rovers around looking for cool stuff, pausing every once in a while to dig into the dirt to find more nothing.

"I read a lot of fashion magazines," said Rice. "And visit those kook websites where they claim we're part of some conspiracy covering up evidence of life on Mars. Ha! I wish! Face it, guys. Mars is dead and lifeless and boring. No aliens, no nothing. Deal with it."