UnNews:Man has perfect day award revoked after kitten abuse.
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 April 2006
The world stands stunned by the shock decision of the H.C.S.A. (High court of supreme awesomeness), to strip James Gulliver (brother to the man who had many travels) of his Perfect Day Award (P.D.A) due to kitten abuse.
After the trail James was said to be “dejected” but remained positive about the experience and still claimed in his heart the day was still perfect and still claims that it is impossible to have a perfect day without having a kitten. Rumours that the H.C.S.A. was bribed remain unconfirmed. Private sources have suggested that the criterion for having a perfect day was edited shortly before the trail, with kitten huffing being moved from the perfect list.
Little is known of James Gulliver’s former perfect day. Details that been acquired have been taken from eye witnesses as James is reluctant to divulge details of what can now only be described as an excellent day as this will gives us our own ideas for a perfect day.
It is believed that James’ day went something like this:
- Woke up and had an orange kitten (this being the disputed kitten that instigated the great day)
- Found a cure for noobing, sk and tk
- Got Bush to stop caring
- Got Kanye West to stop caring about people not caring
- Russian reversed soviet Russia
- Found 3 previously unused Oscar Wilde quotes
- Assembled an Ikea flat packed table
- Made redundancy redundant
- On the stroke of midnight Lou Reed materialised him and sung “perfect day”, was then presented by God a perfect day award.
An investigation was then conducted by the H.C.S.A. after rumours of kitten abuse. This investigation led to the trail of James’ P.D.A. which meant the subsequent loss of his P.D.A.
James has quoted saying that his P.D.A., which he had for 2 weeks before it was stripped from him, was of very poor quality and got little or no reception, had slow processing speeds and had poor quality applications.
There is only one other known person who has a perfect day: sadly no one knows who it is or where they are. People speculate that this person is so perfect that upon basking in their perfection we will all break down where we are curl up into a foetal position and start sucking our thumbs.
High court of supreme awesomeness Members:
- The King Orange Kitten
- Darth Hitler (so supremely evil is his awesomeness he made it in.)
- William Shatner (his awesome lameness at acting provides the yang to the other yin)
The decision to strip James was a 5 v 4 decision with the way each member voting still remaining unknown. Reports suggest that James Gulliver will be appealing against the decision directly to Jesus. More news on that as stories come in.