UnNews:Low Tide strands Man

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 June 2008

Incidents like this "avoidable" according to L.A. County Lifeguards.

Santa Monica, CA Los Angeles County Lifeguards responded to a "Person in Distress" call on Wed. afternoon. Adam Bein, 106, was swimming in the Santa Monica Bay when a quickly diminishing low tide left him stranded. Passers by on shore summoned police and attempted to reach the dumbass with cowbell, a boomerang, and a cafe Americano, but were unsuccessful.

Lifeguard Rapid Response Team Gold responded to the call and issued an immediate "Code Green", causing the immediate launch of a round of Stratego while Adam looked in utter helplessness. Personal watercraft were sent to the scene but none were able to reach the poor bastard. [[Crying\\ and screaming, Adam managed to grab onto a line and reel in a Del Taco quesadilla which he thoroughly enjoyed, thank you very much.

It was decided that the best thing to do was to observe and prevent any further harm. Emergency Personnel darted Adam with small doses of strawberry syrup for nutrition, however this only served to irk the victim. It was decided that what was best was to give Adam a "time out".

Eventually rescued, the victim was taken to Cedars Sinai for observation, testing, and brunch. Adam likes brunch.

Sources

• Carl Braden, Lt. Col. California Dept. of Waterways. "Santa Monica Pier Summer Beaches not for the weary." Safety Weekly, June 18, 2008