UnNews:Life Expectancy Drops In Texas
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 January 2013
DALLAS, Texas -- A scientific study conducted by English statistician Thomas Bayes has shown that Texan life expectancy, while averaging 78.2 years, is only nine years old for the teenagers of Texas. The study surveyed a random sample of Texans aged 13 to 19, and found that the mean life expectancy has dropped dramatically since the year 2010, when it was 9.1 years.
The study was conducted from the first of January, 2013 to 13 January, 2013. When asked why the study took so long, Mr Bayes stated it was ‘a setback’ that his assistant, Dr Watson, would not bring the fucking donuts and coffee already. Also, he had to find the exact date that every teenager currently living in Texas will die.
Some have called into question the absolutely true fact that teenagers only live to be nine. One teenager spoke against the survey, but died at the age of seven before he could call back our UnNews offices. His last words were YOLO. Although the study was defended by statistician Robert Irby, PhD, a professor of Algebra II in a Dallas secondary school, he did have this to say to UnNews:
- I’m not a statistician.
Statistician Robert Irby, PhD was also quoted saying:
- I don’t have a PhD!
Despite criticism from Congresswomen Dr Alma Allen, who represents Texas’ 121st District in Austin, Texas Governor Rick Perry has stated in a press conference that he will be implementing legislation to increase the life expectancy of teenagers to at least 12 years of age before 2020. ‘This won’t be easy’, he said. ‘We will have to change a lot of things in Texas and increase state spending without increasing taxes or taking away guns from anybody ever in order to implement these policies. To do this, we will be taking even more money out of the Texas Education system, which currently provides one million dollars to be shared among our 8,998 public schools and 4,589,287 students’. Perry also announced that he would not be beaten by the Chinese for the world record of most death penalty executions.
Causes for declining life expectancy in the United States were said to be the result of teenage behaviour. ‘Eighty per cent of teens get pregnant, and did you know every five seconds, 72% of teens are getting drunk? Or that every second, one person is raped by 90% of teenagers? Thus, every six seconds, 162% of teens are getting drunk and raping somebody’! In response to this, Texas has sent out 162% of its police force to beat down every teenager seen walking outside after the 20:00 curfew. The ACLU applauds the state for its concerns of human rights.
