Liar
“History has had many liars: Corpernicus, Goebbells, St. Peter, my scary uncle with candy...”
“I totally hit that.”
A liar, or celebrity, as the educated masses sometimes call them, is a person who presents UnTruths in such a way, that most people interpret them as facts. To be a certified liar, one must get either a Ph.D in anything, or go to Harvard Buizznezz school.
The model of miscommunication that is most commonly followed is that of a speaker, a falsehood, or a message, and a listener. In the case of a falsehood, the falsehood that is in the brains of the speaker is communicated to the listener. In case of a message, this message that is in the brains of the speaker is miscommunicated to the listener.
Please note that the above bat fuck insaneity is also an example of miscommunication
A pejorative name for a liar is a statistician or Human Being. The two terms are synonymous, but most people would rather refer to the president as a liar than a human being. As of yet we have fould no known cure for Citizen Kane's Disease, but we are hopeful.
Biblical Reference[edit | edit source]
According to Phillipimemes 6:14 and Troll 5:23, the Good Lord has declared that all liars shall become writers for satirical encyclopedias, thus fulfilling the cycle discovered by Oscar Wilde regarding self referential humor.
Book of Revelation declares all liars will be thrown into a lake of fire, where their pants shall be ignited. The temperature of the flame shall be mathematically determined. Heat equals the number of lies squared multiplied by the level of their stupidity, divided by the number of UnArticles they wrote in life.
“I only believe in statistics that I've falsified myself.”
The Liars University[edit | edit source]
Following the drastic failure of Richard Nixon, Liars all across the planet decided that their skills were not being used to the fullest extent, as even Skull and Bones members were becoming dreadfully out of practice. Deciding that drastic measures needed to be taken, a Young Al Gore founded the Academy of Interpretation in 1976, with the motto That Dress Looks Fine On You Honey. The Academy proved to be a huge success, with many famous graduates, including George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, Bill Clinton, O.J. Simpson, and Every Religious Leader Ever.
The University is now based out of Foster Homes.
Schools of Lying[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, telling a blatant mis-truth isn't the only way to lie successfully, some master priests liars have spent decades perfecting the art of the subtle misunderstanding, and some methods are known only to true masters such as Saint Paul, Peter, and Your Wife.
The Back Stab[edit | edit source]
The back stab is perhaps the most famous of all subterfuges, and was created when Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus to the Romans in a feeble attempt to kill the parasitic Cthulhu embryo which bestowed upon Jewsus its powers. Other known practitioners include Faux News
Since it's creation the back stab has become one of the most practiced of all methods, and you can now receive a Ph.d in betrayal at the Liars University. Your Wife is currently the all time record holder in this particular Academia.
Lie by Ommission[edit | edit source]
A lie by omission is accomplished by strategically removing an important piece of imformation and proceeding to the truth of the matter, before the information becomes importatant or necessary to the situation. Famous practitioners include Obama
Some of the other, less known methods, are kept secret by the Academy of Interpretation, which asserts that said methods do not exist, but such claims must be taken with a grain of salt.
The History of Lies[edit | edit source]
“Lies are the one great cosmological constant, so my mother always said...”
It is unknown when exactly the lying was invented, but seeing as Moses is believed to have lived sometime around 1200 B.C. lying has been in existence for at least four thousand years. It should also be known that lies have been practiced at least as long as the art of hypocrisy, and today the two arts are seen as interdependant.
Lying, or at least it's history, have not been recorded in any source considered reliable by scholars.
How to Spot a Liar[edit | edit source]
“Maybe you can't, or perhaps you can...”
“Define "Liar".”
Spotting a liar can be difficult, but, by following these steos, you too can become an asshole like Dr. Lightman.
What one must fisrts do before attepting to spot a liar is to define the word, the commonly accepted definition is that of something one say which one knows not to be true, usually with the intention of misleading. No that that's out of the way Jimmy, we can move on to the important stuff, like what to if you suspect someone you know is a liar. Jimmy, have you heard of the Voight-Kampf test? No? Okay, well, the Voight Kampf test measures the empathy of whom ever is taking it by measuring the uncousioous physiological reactions of the subject. I know it sounds like bullshitbut deal with it. So get a fucking Kampf test machine okay? Just do it.
After you obtain a Voight-Kampf Machine, you must now give the test to the suspected replicant liar. Remember, it usually takes around 30 questions to get an accurate reading. Hey, Jimmy! Do you see the machine flashing red? That means that the suspect is indeed a liar, quick, he's on to you!!! Pull out you laser Jimmy! Quick, shoot him!
Well done Jimmy, but the upcoming Nexus 6 model will not be so easy to destroy. Till next time.
Famous Lies[edit | edit source]
- "No Honey you look fine"
- "I am not a crook"
- "I totally get Shakespeare"
- "I am not a virgin"
Honerable Mention[edit | edit source]
- "I'm goin' out to the bar with the boys"
- "I voted for Obama"