UnNews:Leading scientists declare global warming associated with Menopause
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 April 2007
Geneva, Switzerland - Twenty of the world's most prominent scientists have gathered together earlier this day to discuss the possible causes of global warming. After hours of deliberation and extensive analysis, they have concluded that the sudden rise in atmosphere temperature and melting of polar ice caps have not been because of spikes in fossil fuel emissions, but because of Mother Nature hitting menopause.
Senior scientist Dr. Wilfred R. Breen displayed to his fellow nerds his years of research on the issue.
"I have concluded," said Dr. Breen on the floor of the Swiss Convention Center, "that Mother Nature has finally, after eons of aging, hit the proverbial menopause." In order to back up his theory, he presented evidence that a time of perimenopause had taken place. "Over a period of 150 years prior to the increase in Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere, there had been a flux of volcanic eruptions, mass sand dune hydration and flash floods. These correspond with the PMS syndromes of spontaneous anger, increase in breast tenderness, and crying spells."
To back up his background evidence, he and his crew dug up records from prior civilizations showing similar increases at regular intervals.
Dr. Breen continued: "The steady increase of atmospheric temperature is characteristic of the buildup to a menopausal hot flash." Breen suggests that this 'hot flash' will happen some time in the next ten years, and its results will be disastrous. Following the flash (and a possible series of aftershocks), however, temperature will dull down and return to normal, and the planet will go into self-imposed climate control.
Doctor Harry Freud, descendant of Austrian man-whore Sigmund Freud, was one of the dissenters at the meeting.
"This theory is a whole load of bullshit." Harry offered no further comment and stormed out of the convention sucking his thumbs.
Just to be safe, the doctors in favor of the new theory passed a petition to pour fifty five tons of prescription Acontel into an active volcano to protect the earth from the possible risk of osteoporosis.
