UnNews:Latest IRS outrage: agency showers employees with parties--at taxpayer expense

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 June 2013

IRS employees audition for Dancing with the Stars.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Barak Obama incurred the wrath of Oscar Goldman, the former mayor of Las Vegas when he ordered federal employees to avoid Sin City like they would the plague. “Apparently, he doesn't have a problem with bureaucrats spending Americans' hard-earned money in Anaheim, though,” Goldman said, referring the 225 parties the Infernal Revenue Service (IRS) has spent on California “conferences” during the past three years—at an eye-popping cost of $50 million.

“They call them 'conferences,'” Goldman snorted, “but they're parties as sure as we're the suckers who are paying for them.”

One of the so-called conferences featured a “hot bikini contest”; another, female mud wrestling, a third, full-body massage sessions; and a fourth, a Star Trek-inspired Mr. Spock farce that supposedly had a “training objective.”

Defending the agency's misappropriation of taxpayer funds, Faris Fink, a deputy in the organization's small business fraud investigation division, said, “the expenditures provided rest and relaxation to 24,000 of the IRS' best and brightest. What's wrong with that?”

Myron Little, a garbage collection worker sanitation engineer in New York City, said, “What's wrong with it is that I paid for it—me and the shoe-shine boy and the local whores and their pimps and the fast-food waitress and the woman that catches the early morning bus every day, not Mr. Fink, Mr. Spock, or even Mr. Obama himself; that's what's wrong with it. It's stealing!”

“The expenditures were not the best use of taxpayer money,” Fink admitted. “We could have gotten a lot bigger bang for the buck in Cancun or Tahiti.”

“On the other hand, the parties—I mean, the conferences—were good for IRS employee's morale and they were paid for with money we extorted from conservative political-action groups who applied to the IRS for tax-exemption status.” No Democrats, liberals, or gays and lesbians were “hurt” by the IRS's decision to “get down and party.”

“We followed federal guidelines to soak the rich,” Fink told members of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee after watching a six-hour video of his own performance as “Mr. Spock” during a “conference” that featured IRS employees dressed in Star Trek costumes and dancing on a set built to resemble the television series' Starship Enterprise command bridge. In the video, Fink wore a black wig and pointed ears and pretended to beat a recalcitrant (and naked) Klingon “tax dodger.”

The conference partiers attendees paid $3,500 per night for their luxurious penthouse hotel suites, each of which included its own wet bar, an indoor swimming pool and a sauna, a billiard table, a video game arcade, courtesy room service, and a private mini movie theater showing a selection of X-rated “entertainment.”

The highlight of one “conference” was a workshop, “Political Savvy: How Not to Shoot Yourself in the Foot.”

Fink, who said he attended all 225 parties conferences sponsored by the IRS, at taxpayer expense, during the last three years, admitted that he “must have missed that particular workshop.”

In the coming years, the IRS plans to hold “conferences” in Morocco, Tahiti, London, Madrid, Paris, and the Bahamas, but the agency is scaling back in its spending on such gala government affairs. “We are asking employees to bring their own bottles.”

The television show Dancing with the Stars is reportedly auditioning some of the IRS agents, and, allegedly, both Bruno and Len agree that "some of them can really shake their booties!"

Sources

• "'Mr. Spock' in IRS video apologizes for 'embarrassing' mistake" CNN, June 9, 2013